The Tony Rich Project - NoBody Knows (Soul Acoustic Live)

"These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me.."

Choice lyrics from the above rendition of the song. This song has always spoken to me, yes like many others do. Sometimes when you just can't find the words to express yourself...music helps.

Vaaranam Aayiram - Adiye Kolluthey [ High Quality ]

Foolish quest?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm nothing but a fool. Where does this "false" sense of optimism come from that let's me wake up daily and walk around with my head held high? Aren't hope and faith just around so you can tell yourself that what you're doing actually matters - to you, to someone else, to the universe? Would I rather be a fool than nothing at all? I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not the latter. I want to disappear. I spout nonsense and fool myself.

A tortured mind

"I believe what doesn't kill you only makes you...stranger." - The Joker.

Trauma. Torture. Fear. Danger. Confusion. My fault. Weak. Why? Leave me alone! Get away from me. Please don't. Does no one see this? Why me? Hide. Run. Run. Run away. I don't understand. Protect me. Save me. Please. Withdrawn. Tears. Crying. Anger. Pain. Rage. No trust. No one cares. Not you, not him, not her. No one. Not one soul. Alone. Lonely. Panicked. Pleading. Indifferent. Void. Disengaged. Trust them not. Run. Run. Run away. Words hidden behind walls. Too choked to speak. Restless. Abandoned. Betrayed. Not love. Danger. Always scared. Damaged. Broken. Don't touch me. Black hole. Don't be dramatic. Leave it in the past. Always confused. Trying to make sense. No explanation. No justice. No answers. Floundering. Failing. Intermittent strength. Love. Need. Only love. Share love. Need love. Spread joy. Cut out from yourself. Black heart. Dark mind. Hide. Don't see me. Don't want you to see me. Go away. Change appearance. How do you still find me? How dare you! Seeking innocence. Always seeking. Never believing. Fighting. Surviving. Good person. Unfair. Making no sense. Hold me. Protect me. Need to feel safe.

Possess brain. End torment. Heal. Just heal. Whatever it takes. Hold me. Love me. Protect me. Understand me. Not crazy. Scared. Deep seeded. Don't you see? It's your fault. It's not my fault. How could I know. A child does not know. Grief. Mental drain. Tired. Exhausted. Paralyzed. Shaking. Cold. Freezing. Blue nails.

You're a freak. What's wrong with you? Hurt. Betrayed. Smile. Smile. Smile. Fleeting. Smile. Others have it worse. I know. Stop. Be quiet. Stay silent. Resurfacing. Can't hide it. What's the point? What's the point?


"We are powerful because we have survived.
I have come to believe over and over again,
that what is most important to me must be spoken,
made verbal and shared,
even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.
When I dare to be powerful,
to use my strength in the service of my vision,
then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Your silence will not protect you."

-Audrey Lorde

Belligerence

7:00p.m. : All day today I've been in a belligerent mood. Everything irritated me, everyone annoyed me and I was ready to bite people's head off for no apparent reason. My mood matched the grey skies and the song "Gives you Hell" (which you can hear if you click on the title of this post) kept playing in my head repeatedly. I didn't bother to delve into my sub-conscious and try to figure out what brought this belligerence about. I didn't care. And I loved it. Yes, I absolutely enjoyed being snarky and snapping at people and giving them one line retorts that left them almost speechless. Where did it come from? I know not. I care not. One day of not being nice was free-ing. It was like being able to walk down a crowded hallway and shoving away anyone in your path and just marching forward without a care. Just for a day. That's all. I know the feeling I woke up with this morning was from remnants of last night's drunken venting session, but that's a logical explanation which deserves no mention in this post of 'I don't care'.

Haven't you ever had a day where you just didn't care or you just didn't want to care? Just one day. What would you do then?

11:00 p.m. Postscript: My belligerence went out the window a few minutes back when Jackie managed to get me on the floor and proceed to lick my face as though she wanted to lick the irritation right out. Yes, I ended up lying there and giggling, so that's that! If you're pissed off, get a dog to sit there and stare at you until you have no choice but to be the awesome person he or she thinks you are.