Manifestations of Fear

"I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.
And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me..."
- Sleeping Sickness, City and Colour.

1) A month or so back, I had a doozy of a nightmare. Or so I kept describing it. I was screaming Jackie's name in my nightmare and woke up in tears. She was drowning. Went after a bandana. These guys were laughing and making fun of the situation and I was yelling at them and they realized it was serious because we couldn't see Jackie anymore. Beach-ish area. And then there were all these dead bodies floating to shore and people were pulling them to the sand. And then I was screaming in a major panic for Jackie. We see her float to the shoreline and I ran to her screaming her name...but some guy...either a firefighter or a lifeguard got to her first. She was still holding onto the bandana in her mouth and I was yelling her name hysterically and she opened her eyes feebly, and I woke up.

2) I had a similar nightmare with Charlie. But with him, I was out walking him and he broke free and took off down the street - right in the middle of it. I think he disappeared from sight and of course I was screaming for him. It's a bit hazy, but I think someone came to try and help me. I have a feeling of getting into a car with someone and zooming around trying to find him. Then I woke up.

3) This is a recurring theme/situation and I don't know why it keeps haunting me. Okay, that's not true. I know why it's haunting me but I don't know why it's surfacing now after all these years have passed. It's most likely because I have repressed memories and they need to be dealt with. It's what warranted the post titled Tortured Mind. Images have resurfaced clearly, a little too clearly, and part of me is still afraid. Sometimes I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't say it. I can't speak about it. I think I tried once, but it fell through rather miserably. I just hope I don't scream it out loud some day.

Dream #1 I have no explanation to offer. It makes no sense to me. Dream #2 is obvious. It is one of my fears - Charlie is so unruly - that scenario may very well turn to fact if I don't train him better. Dream #3 I want to run from. The way I wake up from it is - well, screaming. And I'd rather run from it than deal with it or face it, even though given my current state of mind I know that I'm working on things. However, I wish this had stayed repressed (I don't know if I mean that or not).

Fear can be debilitating. It can be difficult to overcome. It depends on the degree of fear, the will of the person, as well as inner and mental strength. Fear can numb you, still you, make you hide things, pull you into depression, make you an angry person, make you distrustful. When you find it in yourself to try and overcome your fears, sometimes you find that the thing you thought was scary... wasn't really as bad as you initially felt. Else, you find unbelievable relief and inner strength and confidence. I don't present myself as a person who is afraid. And for the most part, these days I am not. However, I still remember the times when I spent most of my time reading as opposed to playing. I still remember how I chose to smile and stay silent instead of actually expressing an opinion. As I was growing up, family would say I was such a quiet child. No one would say that about me now. Believe it or not, I had to push myself to start expressing myself verbally. A memory that came to mind was a good friend of mine yelling at me over the phone saying, "will you please show some emotion and sound excited at least?". And I do mean yelling at me. Expression has become even more necessary following my divorce. Which is all good and fine because I chose to make these changes. And I'm the better for it. The point to all this is, there are so many people out there who do things or don't do things based on fear. Wise people have said that the only thing to fear is fear itself. I think it's true. I was going to say I've overcome a number of fears, but then I realize that it's a work in progress. Constant sometimes.

However, the last time I felt safe was when I was 8 or 12. The time line is blurry. It was during one of our summer vacations back in India. During that visit, my grandfather's home had been turned into flats (apartments) and there were a lot of new kids to play with. The game for that day was hide and seek. I was the seeker at one round and when I finished counting I guess I found a few people. But I couldn't go any further. The recollection is hazy because it's come about thanks to dream #3 and it was quite a while back. Anyway, I don't know how this older person happened along. But, he was the building owner's son and he came over and looked at me with such concern and said to the other kids, "evo rombha bhaipadara" (she is very scared). Then he held my hand and helped me seek out the other kids. I adored him in that moment. It was the last time someone held my hand and made me feel safe. That feeling of being safe is not easy to find in this world. But, I realize I cannot go around hiding because I just don't want fear to be the reason that I don't live my life the way I wish to since I can't predict the future nor can I alter my past.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." - Dorothy Thompson

She-Wolf is my stage name

"S.O.S. she's in disguise
S.O.S. she's in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out" - She Wolf - Shakira

I won't say that I've garnered or commanded attention all of my life, but this past year seems to be preposterous or ridiculous to a certain degree. I don't say it in the aforesaid manner to ridicule the giver of compliments but many events and words have made me stop and question what the Universe is trying to tell me, if anything. Have I finally reached my prime? Am I so happy within that I project nothing but positive vibes outward? Have I finally turned into a swan (ugly duckling reference)? I ask these questions because I'm trying to understand what people see - suddenly- or is it simply that I'm paying attention and not trying to hide?

No one calls me sweet anymore. At least not this year. I suppose that is a repercussion? The sweetness has not been replaced with sourness (thankfully). It just suddenly came to me after a talk with a friend of mine who I've now known for 14 years.

J says : I think u were a good girl from what I remembered (school), and now u have a little bit of an edge..and I think it works well with your personality. I like the "new" u better u're very easy going, relaxed, EXTREMELY easy to talk to if i had to describe u in one word, I'd say "genuine"

V says : u dont know how much of a compliment that is to me. thank you

J says : not a lot of people get to have this personality (saying from experience) being able to just be life's too short for games

V says : that's what I say

J says : so yea, I like the "new" you, if that is truly new I've always thought u had these qualities, I just realized them more when I saw u last just the spontaneity that u have in you is not a common trait to have that's what gives u a spark..."

Earlier this year I took a trip with my best-friend and for most of the trip she looked at me as though I had sprouted a second head and was an alien being. It had been quite a few years since she had seen me exude the personality that I was, during our trip, and when I gently reminded her that the person she saw was whom she had first met in high school (to some degree) she agreed. I did lose myself in many different ways along these years and I have found myself with such renewed vigor that it surprises me. Where once I had to force myself to open my eyes and face the world one day at a time, well I don't jump out of bed at ungodly early hours, but I get up ready to live my day. I used to tell myself 'just smile, you'll get through it' and now it has become so intrinsic on some level, that it is perhaps why I attract more people my way these days.

I don't mean this just in terms of physical "beauty". Exquisitely beautiful, exceptionally good-looking; you roll out of bed looking pretty; one of those beautiful people who are in denial; How do you tan and look like a brown Goddess and I look splotchy? You pretty girls always get served first (Tim Hortons line-up)... these are all words and phrases that have been said to me, but isn't it all simply a matter of perception? Beauty, after all, is in the eyes of the beholder, right? When people say such things to me, depending on who says it... sure I grin, feel good, special and whatever else goes along with it. But I have, on occasion, stood in front of a mirror and stared at myself going "Really? really? What do they see?" It amuses me sometimes or maybe that's how I've learnt to handle life. It's interesting, it's amusing. It's a far cry from the days when I used to hide, not want anyone to see me, be a wallflower, be the one taking pictures of others, be the one behind the camera and not in front of it. It only took 25 years or so to step out. I don't know what exactly happened or triggered this, however the one piece of advice that keeps coming back into my head was given to me when I was working as a receptionist for this temporary work-agency. That means one of the things I did was answer the phone. One day the boss calls and I don't realize who it is and I talk to her generally. She later comes into the office, calls to speak with me, and says that when she called she wondered who the hell (yes she said hell) was answering her company's phone because I sounded so matter-of-fact. She sai, "d when you answer the phone, sound positive, sound cheerful. The person on the other end can't see you smiling, but put some effort into it and it changes a lot of attitude". It's true. It really does. And I tried it out, experimented...which I like to do to see if things actually work. I started sounding more upbeat. Sure, I had to force myself to sound extra cheery and not too cheerleader-y. But it worked. Not only did people respond better but I started feeling better internally. I'm serious. The emails I wrote, the things I said, my view point, perspective slowly started changing. I don't think I was mired in misery at the time, however I couldn't believe how better I felt. I still lost track of it all until the same time last year... when those words came back to me. And I thought, I had nothing to lose, I had to move forward. So I forced myself to smile, to laugh, and now I actually have my giggling and laughter and smile back. This year I've had more people say to me that "You like everyone", "you're nice to everyone", "you always have a cheery disposition", "you're always smiling, it's good to see here". Funny, in the three years that I've worked at my current employment, this is the year people have noticed me. Or maybe I'm just receptive finally.

I_ says:
no it makes me happy to listen to you stride through life
like a model

V says:
oh God. can u please forget that model thing

I_ says:
makes me live vicariously through you
its not teasing honest.
I really meant it
the confident stride
the come what may chutzpah

I love that... "the come what may chutzpah". I believe you only genuinely acquire that when you realize certain truths about life. Anyway, it's taken me about two months to write this piece. I kept thinking I sound quite narcissistic. Maybe I do. Or maybe I don't. I don't know. I suppose it helps that I can look at these moments and find them amusing without taking them too seriously. I've done enough self-doubting, self-loathing and hopefully now I'm coming into some self-awareness.

Soundtrack:
Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna
Sexy Bitch - Akon
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
She Wolf - Shakira
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship

Sometimes I should shut up - Part II

Me: "Dad, I found the boy I want to marry".
Dad: "Who is he? What's his name?"
Me: "He's in my class and I like him. You can talk to him later".
Dad: "Okay".
I was ten. My dad was performing his usual morning routine of shaving before heading to work. It's a wonder he didn't cut himself. I literally skipped out of the bathroom after having made that declaration. Fast forward to the present, the boy I wanted to marry back then has, this year, returned to my life and is happily married. No, not to me.


Me: "You know no one likes you right?"
Her: "Yes, I know. You're the only one who's been honest enough to tell me."
Me: "Okay."
Her: "Why?"
I forget the reasons I gave her, but after that "talk" we became better friends when I understood her and she tried to make more friends. I invited her to my birthday party, she gave me a beautiful pen set, and then we flitted around as teenagers do. I might've been 14.

Me: "Cinderella ruined my life."
Male: "Boy, you're jaded."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Were you planning to rescue me?"
Male: "You are jaded!"
Me: "Yes, I would be to your weak mind."
I turned around and walked away and I think he might've cursed me in his head. I was possibly 22.

Me: "It's okay. If you don't like me you can tell me. I may never speak to you again, but atleast we'll get it out of the way." (God, what was I thinking? The guy I said that to was very nice to me about it but at the time secretly dating someone else. Which ofcourse, came to light later - much to my chagrin). I was 29/30.

Cell officer: "You're following me around today."
Me: "You're being delusional."
Cell officer: "I don't mind."
Co-worker: "I don't think he heard you."
Me: "No, I don't think he did."
Cell officer: "What?"
Me: "Nothing. Have a good evening."
Things said with a huge smile lose their effect unless what you're saying is something really happy. Present day scenario.

After I was getting off the elevator with my CBear, lady huddled in the front corner of the elevator tells the other occupant, "smells." (In my mind indicating my CBear). As the doors close I yell, "Are you sure it isn't you?" I hear the other occupant laughing as the elevator moves to the next floor.
I'm a mother, no one disses my kids - with or without fur. This happened a week back.

Me: "My having a brain and making smart-ass comments negates my dating potential."
Response: howl of laughter.
Two days back, at work.

Random drunk male: "You smell soooo good."
Me: "er, thank you."
Random drunk male: "Wanna come fragrance my room?"
Me: "Buy a vanilla candle and it'll do the job."
Random drunk male: "Not as good as you. You smell sooo good."
Me: "Listen, the least you could do is form proper English sentences! I'm an English major."
Random drunk male: blank stare
Me: "Too many words for you?"
Random drunk male: "So, are you coming?"
Me: "Go ahead, I'll follow you."
Random drunk male: "Yeah?"
Me: "No, not really."
Random drunk male: "But you smell so good."
Me: "Go to the washroom, there's a candle there. Have a party!"
And I walked away. Maybe he cursed me in his head. I don't know.
This was last night. I'm now 32, I behave like I'm 25 and I don't seem to be getting any better.

Jana Gana Mana

India celebrates her 63rd Independence day today. In honour of that here's a beautiful version of our National Anthem.



Followed by, what some people are calling the new anthem.



Both are inspirational in their own ways. Take from it what you will.

There are some days when I really miss India.

...the world I know.

I came home today, hugged my dogs, and smothered them with affection while trying not to cry. I pretty much broke down at work today. 3 years of working in a place where you can see the horrible side to humanity, and finally something snapped. I did it to myself really. I can't blame anyone else for making me see what I had the option not to. It was a case of animal abuse. The animal being a German Shepherd Dog and I sat and saw the video of what was done to him. Him being Max. I was obsessed over this case for the past three weeks. I pretty much hounded (no pun intended) the Crown who was in charge of it and then finally turned up in the court where it was being heard. I had to know. I had to see for myself. And it was horrible. That poor dog. What would compel a man to cause that much pain to something that's actually dependent on him - I can never understand. And I don't think I want to understand. There is no explanation that would make this okay. I had to leave court towards the end of the video because I felt physically ill. I can't get into details of how the dog was abused because I just cannot type out the words. I'm still sitting here trying to make sense of it, but it's one of those things that'll simply haunt me for a while, while never getting an answer that would make any kind of sense. Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?

A month or so back I was given the unique opportunity to hurt a man. Physically cause him pain. I say unique opportunity because it's not every day that you find a man lying at your feet telling you to do what you must and not worry about him. It was the strangest sensation. It was part of a test shoot that I did for an upcoming photo spread in a South Asian online magazine. And I case it with ifs and buts because I'm still debating whether I wish to be a part of this idea. It'd be fantastic if it happens, however I didn't particularly feel comfortable when I left the studio for a variety of reasons, but one that stands out is that I simply could not bring myself to cause him pain. The very idea of stomping down on him (yes really, with heels on mind you) either made him a masochist (which I did call him along with being a sadist) or made me heartless. Sure I feel things like pain, anger, rage, and I know I've been wronged but I simply could not put it on display in the physical way when given the chance.

Around the same time or maybe a few weeks before this shoot, an ex-boyfriend contacted me out of the blue and said some very nice things about me. Things that surprised me not because I think I'm horrible, but because he wrote to me a year after telling me he would never contact me again. I was also given the opportunity here to tell him how he had hurt me, what horrible things he had made me feel and so on. But I didn't. I thought about it and wondered what the point would be. I dealt with the pain, anger, hurt, confusion and whatever else that needed to be dealt with in order for me to move forward. He had his own reasons for his bad behaviour at the time, which have come to light. What would be the point of making him feel bad for it now, a year or more later? I told a friend that and she called me selfless. I don't think that's the case at all. Part of it was me being selfish... because I didn't want to bring out all the not-so-nice feelings that I had moved away from.

Sometimes I don't get it. How quick people can be to hurt another. I know I'm not perfect. I've hurt people. I can be callous. Rude. Blunt. But I don't know how to hide. To evade. To be fake. I wish people would simply be genuine. Show some compassion to one another. Take that quick moment of anger and smile instead. It's not easy I know. You have to work at it. And you can if you want to. The worst is when you hurt innocence. And I'm rambling.

All I know is sometimes this world makes absolutely no sense. Collective Soul sang it perfectly (you can hear it if you like by clicking on the title of this post).

"Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know."
The World I Know - Collective Soul