Gobsmacked

A year has passed...

2011-01-17T18:00:00.000-05:00

...and I have missed you, almost, daily Paati. I hope you're in peace.

Love,
Your granddaughter.

My Paati

2010-01-23T13:11:00.022-05:00

It's been a week, almost, since my grandmother passed away. To say I'm taking the loss badly would be an understatement. People say you can keep her alive in your heart and memories, it's only the body that has died. But how can I not miss the body that hugged me, or held me when I cried, or fed me when I was younger and was part of all the major moments of my life? I won't see her smile, or eat, or laugh. I won't hear her call my name a hundred times in a day and I won't be able to laugh and scold her about how she lived in the bathroom. I won't be able to see her glitter or smell her lovely perfume nor will I be able to call her and talk to her about Jackie or Charlie. I miss her every second already.

There is a constant heaviness that makes me want to hide from the world. I know it's not what she would want for me, I know she herself has moved forward in life from loss - loss of her husband and mother, almost back to back, 20 years ago. But everyone has their own way of grieving. All the logical explanations don't matter right now. I feel a heavy sense of loss and sadness and I know I need to feel it to get through it. Life is about moving on and moving forward - this I know and understand, but my Paati is no longer alive. She's the last of the grandparents to leave and I miss the warmth and sincerity of the older generation.

My Paati was 86 years old when she died. In hindi there are a couple of words to denote death - mrityu and dehanth. When my family and I were talking about death, my father mentioned dehanth was a much better word because it signifies the freeing of the soul from the body, while mrityu carries with it just the finality of death. I like his explanation for it and was really surprised to hear my father speak in this manner. I hope my paati's soul has found peace. She suffered in the end. That knowledge makes me angry and sad because it did not warrant or compare to the life she led. I wish she had died peacefully in her sleep, not in an ICU, suffering complications and being in pain. She had such a zest for life, this end makes it unfair. I suppose the positive way to look at it would be that she fought till the end. This resilient woman was beloved to so many people. I've heard such lovely messages and words come my way from people who even met her for a few moments. She made everyone feel welcome and a part of the family and you don't find that too often. She didn't know English (maybe a few words and teaching her was sometimes funny), yet she managed to share her warmth just by smiling.

She's been there when I fell in school and carried me home because my knees were bleeding badly, she's been there when I had surgery, she was the first one to know about the guy I wanted to marry, she was the only one who interrogated/interviewed him when he first came to visit, she yelled at people who asked why I wasn't having kids 6 months after getting married, she's traveled with me, we've taken care of each other, she loved making me my favourite dishes, she fought for me, she really loved me for who I am. How am I supposed to go on without that constant in my life even though this is what life is about. I ask that question and yet I know time will temper things and I will move forward and she will always be alive within me.

She was married to a famous tamil comedian actor. She lived a good life. She became a great-grandmother in her time. She's a breast-cancer survivor. We saw her change over the years as she deteriorated in health, but she always took an interest in the goings-on of our lives and our general well-being. When I got divorced, she didn't berate me for it. Instead, she told me to be happy. She suffered two strokes in a year and was paralysed from the waist down. She needed to be moved into a nursing home for the last few months. She didn't even die at home. Both my grandfather and my grandmother passed away in a hospital in Los Angeles surrounded by medical personnel and inundated with tubes. That's the sad part of it all, I wish I had been there with her at the time. It was difficult to visit her in November, for a week, at the nursing home but I knew I needed to go see her and spend time with her. As I told my father, "There's no point in going after she's dead. She won't even know I'm there." I remember walking into her room at the nursing home with trepidation because I knew it would be difficult to see her changed. But when I walked in, she looked up at me and smiled in recognition and that was all that I needed. She said, "Veenu nee vandhutiya?" (Veenu, you've come?) and that was all that it took. It was almost like she had been waiting for me. I stayed by her side, fed her, helped with her physiotherapy and got her to speak a little. My uncle and aunt said that she hadn't spoken or eaten as much as she did until I got there. I know she loved all her grandchildren but there was something special between us and I don't say it to make it seem like I was the best grandkid, but we've been through so much - she's been a constant for the time that I've been alive. I really miss her and I wish she didn't have to die in the manner that she did. That one thought generates the breakdown in me. I haven't been able to eat for a week. I've tried. But my body rejects the food. Paati loved food, she liked trying new things. In the end she wasn't able to eat anything - maybe take a couple of sips of water or coffee. Of all the ironic moments, I wish that hadn't been it. I just keep seeing her face and how much I coaxed her to eat something and it felt like the greatest accomplishment on earth to get her to finish one meal. I guess we came full circle in our own way.

On January 17, 2010 at around 10p.m. EST, my Paati was no longer alive. She will always be loved and missed.

Dwelling - a poem

2009-12-26T11:30:00.003-05:00

My cousin wrote a poem called 'Dwelling.' I asked to borrow it because it spoke to me. She said I could because it sounded like me. (paraphrasing here).

Dwelling
i refuse to toe the line

and not wear my heart on my sleeve

and live in constant fear

that if i'm candidyou'll leave

that's your tripthis let me play it safe

it's not the whisky i sip

i absolutely refuse to obey

so i'm going to be honest

and tell it like i see fit

if you don't like it

tell me please don't leave.

- SS

I thank you for it Vidu.

DISTURBIA

2009-12-13T23:00:00.004-05:00

"What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now
No more gas, in the red, can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it
On my life, on my head, don't wanna think about it
Feels like I'm going insane, yeah"
- Disturbia, Rihanna

I am unable to meet my own eyes in their reflection. I try to stand before a mirror, take a deep breath and say the words out loud but I stall and fail at every attempt. If I can't say it to myself, how can I say it to any other person? "I am...; I was..." I despair, I try to give myself strength, I take deep breaths, I smile to give myself a confidence boost and I try again. But I can't even look at myself. In my head rage is wreaking havoc in my apartment - throwing things around, smashing objects, yelling, screaming, sobbing - all stemming from pain, shame, guilt, confusion, distrust. The outer shell is calm, almost indifferent, 'comfortably numb' (reference Pink Floyd for that one).

I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to think these things, but they don't leave me alone. I am made to deal with them because suddenly I don't have the strength to ignore them, sweep them away, feel numb. Instead heart palpitations increase, my body shakes, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I am scared. It's been happening for a couple of months now - November was especially bad and you will notice no blog post from that month. I thought I had learnt to deal with it, but then a new tenant in my building brought them all back full force this weekend. Thoughts, words, actions, images, feelings, the need to go back into my shell. Part of me wants to fight that - I worked so hard to be who I am this year - and now suddenly I want to hide again. I hate this.

It's gotten to the point of affecting me at work. I walk down hallways and suddenly an image flashes in my head and I have to stop and give myself support by holding onto a wall, telling myself to breathe slowly, hold back the tears because anyone could come by and see me and then keep moving forward one step at a time. Thankfully smiling is so second nature that I don't even have to work at putting a smile on my face the moment I see anyone.

I've been doing a lot of reading to figure out why all this is happening, why now, why in the way that it is. I came across some work by doctors and therapists and some of their findings and explanations make me weep because it makes so much sense and because what I have repressed for so long did happen. But then I thought, what if I actually said the words out loud and no one believed me? That tears me apart. I couldn't stop crying for a whole weekend with that thought in my head and when I finally stepped back out into the world I saw I displayed physical symptoms of fear - my lips were raw and painful, my eyes looked like two sunken holes and I cried so much that my nose had started bleeding. They say you need to tell your story, to talk it out. Just how do you do that? I have always been dealing with things on my own. I learn things on my own, teach myself stuff, deal with my troubles myself and then present the world with the situation after it has been figured out, problem-solved. What do I do with this now? Talk to whom, and what the heck would I even say? What would you be able to do for me? Nothing, I think. And then I came across this article, 'Talking Out Trauma: Not Always a Help' and I thought okay, that's for me, it makes sense. I did try to speak about it to people before - well 3 people to be specific, in different stages of my life. Do you know what they all did? Nothing. Well, one did absolutely nothing (from that day began my distrust of persons in authority), one forgot and the last one seemed to care, but not really. Maybe I didn't put enough shock and pain into my telling of the trauma. Trauma - I hate that word. It makes me feel like a victim thereby making me feel weak.

Because of the events that happened many years ago, my interactions and behaviour were shaped in ways I did not even consciously control. In retrospect, because I have spent much of this year in introspection, so many things have become clearer. The way I was, the trust issues, dual personalities - one always happy in the world, one cowering inside, - everything makes sense now. I'm not a touchy-feely person. Someone called me aloof, someone called me a porcupine. It's all true. This does not mean I don't care about you, it just means I don't know if you've noticed but I don't reach for you. A moment that vividly flashes into my head is one where I was in University and I had to tell myself to reach out and hug a floor-mate because she was going through an emotionally hard time about something. I felt so uncomfortable and completely idiotic for having given her that hug. I've gotten better since then, but more so with some than others. If I reach for you, I trust you. It's about as simple as that.

I used to be a really quiet and shy child. (Yes, really). The person you meet these days is a far cry from the child of yesteryears', which is probably why I'm trying desperately to seek solace. I preferred books to actually running around and playing. Books took you away to better worlds. If I needed to express my emotions, I could find a song to tell you because I didn't want to speak. To communicate with my father, I used to write him letters - we lived in the same apartment. I started writing, not being able to speak out my emotions because the force of them often shut me down. This way I didn't have to see your judgment of me. Everything makes sense now. Why I don't have many photographs as a girl smiling even though now it seems like I can't stop smiling in my pictures.

There's no warning anymore before I get a feeling of dread, before I remember something, before an image flashes into my head. Sometimes I'm scared to close my eyes and fall asleep because on a few occasions I've woken up screaming (in my head). It's extremely unpleasant bolting up from bed, silently screaming your lungs out, fear filling your heart in the middle of the night. I'm exhausted - drained.

"It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind, it can control you
It's too close for comfort"
- Disturbia, Rihanna

I'm sure everyone has their own way of dealing with things they find difficult. I've always told myself that others have it worse than I do. And this is true in many instances. I don't generally like talking about myself. I can make fun of myself, talk disparagingly about myself, be funny, be fun, be whatever you need me to be, but I think the time is finally here when I can't remind myself that I have nothing to complain about. It feels like part of me wants to hold people accountable, but that's next to impossible considering one of them might even be dead at this point in time. What an odd thing to say, I know. But if you understood the context, everything would make sense. Until then you get these discombobulated writings. The hope is the feeling of being safe.

"Put on your pretty lies, you're in the city of wonder
Ain't gon' play nice, watch out you might just go under
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise

Your mind's in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light
Disturbia, am I scaring you tonight?"
- Disturbia, Rihanna

Manifestations of Fear

2009-10-25T20:30:00.005-04:00

"I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.
And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me..."
- Sleeping Sickness, City and Colour.

1) A month or so back, I had a doozy of a nightmare. Or so I kept describing it. I was screaming Jackie's name in my nightmare and woke up in tears. She was drowning. Went after a bandana. These guys were laughing and making fun of the situation and I was yelling at them and they realized it was serious because we couldn't see Jackie anymore. Beach-ish area. And then there were all these dead bodies floating to shore and people were pulling them to the sand. And then I was screaming in a major panic for Jackie. We see her float to the shoreline and I ran to her screaming her name...but some guy...either a firefighter or a lifeguard got to her first. She was still holding onto the bandana in her mouth and I was yelling her name hysterically and she opened her eyes feebly, and I woke up.

2) I had a similar nightmare with Charlie. But with him, I was out walking him and he broke free and took off down the street - right in the middle of it. I think he disappeared from sight and of course I was screaming for him. It's a bit hazy, but I think someone came to try and help me. I have a feeling of getting into a car with someone and zooming around trying to find him. Then I woke up.

3) This is a recurring theme/situation and I don't know why it keeps haunting me. Okay, that's not true. I know why it's haunting me but I don't know why it's surfacing now after all these years have passed. It's most likely because I have repressed memories and they need to be dealt with. It's what warranted the post titled Tortured Mind. Images have resurfaced clearly, a little too clearly, and part of me is still afraid. Sometimes I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't say it. I can't speak about it. I think I tried once, but it fell through rather miserably. I just hope I don't scream it out loud some day.

Dream #1 I have no explanation to offer. It makes no sense to me. Dream #2 is obvious. It is one of my fears - Charlie is so unruly - that scenario may very well turn to fact if I don't train him better. Dream #3 I want to run from. The way I wake up from it is - well, screaming. And I'd rather run from it than deal with it or face it, even though given my current state of mind I know that I'm working on things. However, I wish this had stayed repressed (I don't know if I mean that or not).

Fear can be debilitating. It can be difficult to overcome. It depends on the degree of fear, the will of the person, as well as inner and mental strength. Fear can numb you, still you, make you hide things, pull you into depression, make you an angry person, make you distrustful. When you find it in yourself to try and overcome your fears, sometimes you find that the thing you thought was scary... wasn't really as bad as you initially felt. Else, you find unbelievable relief and inner strength and confidence. I don't present myself as a person who is afraid. And for the most part, these days I am not. However, I still remember the times when I spent most of my time reading as opposed to playing. I still remember how I chose to smile and stay silent instead of actually expressing an opinion. As I was growing up, family would say I was such a quiet child. No one would say that about me now. Believe it or not, I had to push myself to start expressing myself verbally. A memory that came to mind was a good friend of mine yelling at me over the phone saying, "will you please show some emotion and sound excited at least?". And I do mean yelling at me. Expression has become even more necessary following my divorce. Which is all good and fine because I chose to make these changes. And I'm the better for it. The point to all this is, there are so many people out there who do things or don't do things based on fear. Wise people have said that the only thing to fear is fear itself. I think it's true. I was going to say I've overcome a number of fears, but then I realize that it's a work in progress. Constant sometimes.

However, the last time I felt safe was when I was 8 or 12. The time line is blurry. It was during one of our summer vacations back in India. During that visit, my grandfather's home had been turned into flats (apartments) and there were a lot of new kids to play with. The game for that day was hide and seek. I was the seeker at one round and when I finished counting I guess I found a few people. But I couldn't go any further. The recollection is hazy because it's come about thanks to dream #3 and it was quite a while back. Anyway, I don't know how this older person happened along. But, he was the building owner's son and he came over and looked at me with such concern and said to the other kids, "evo rombha bhaipadara" (she is very scared). Then he held my hand and helped me seek out the other kids. I adored him in that moment. It was the last time someone held my hand and made me feel safe. That feeling of being safe is not easy to find in this world. But, I realize I cannot go around hiding because I just don't want fear to be the reason that I don't live my life the way I wish to since I can't predict the future nor can I alter my past.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." - Dorothy Thompson

She-Wolf is my stage name

2009-10-21T22:12:00.008-04:00

"S.O.S. she's in disguise
S.O.S. she's in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out" - She Wolf - Shakira

I won't say that I've garnered or commanded attention all of my life, but this past year seems to be preposterous or ridiculous to a certain degree. I don't say it in the aforesaid manner to ridicule the giver of compliments but many events and words have made me stop and question what the Universe is trying to tell me, if anything. Have I finally reached my prime? Am I so happy within that I project nothing but positive vibes outward? Have I finally turned into a swan (ugly duckling reference)? I ask these questions because I'm trying to understand what people see - suddenly- or is it simply that I'm paying attention and not trying to hide?

No one calls me sweet anymore. At least not this year. I suppose that is a repercussion? The sweetness has not been replaced with sourness (thankfully). It just suddenly came to me after a talk with a friend of mine who I've now known for 14 years.

J says : I think u were a good girl from what I remembered (school), and now u have a little bit of an edge..and I think it works well with your personality. I like the "new" u better u're very easy going, relaxed, EXTREMELY easy to talk to if i had to describe u in one word, I'd say "genuine"

V says : u dont know how much of a compliment that is to me. thank you

J says : not a lot of people get to have this personality (saying from experience) being able to just be life's too short for games

V says : that's what I say

J says : so yea, I like the "new" you, if that is truly new I've always thought u had these qualities, I just realized them more when I saw u last just the spontaneity that u have in you is not a common trait to have that's what gives u a spark..."

Earlier this year I took a trip with my best-friend and for most of the trip she looked at me as though I had sprouted a second head and was an alien being. It had been quite a few years since she had seen me exude the personality that I was, during our trip, and when I gently reminded her that the person she saw was whom she had first met in high school (to some degree) she agreed. I did lose myself in many different ways along these years and I have found myself with such renewed vigor that it surprises me. Where once I had to force myself to open my eyes and face the world one day at a time, well I don't jump out of bed at ungodly early hours, but I get up ready to live my day. I used to tell myself 'just smile, you'll get through it' and now it has become so intrinsic on some level, that it is perhaps why I attract more people my way these days.

I don't mean this just in terms of physical "beauty". Exquisitely beautiful, exceptionally good-looking; you roll out of bed looking pretty; one of those beautiful people who are in denial; How do you tan and look like a brown Goddess and I look splotchy? You pretty girls always get served first (Tim Hortons line-up)... these are all words and phrases that have been said to me, but isn't it all simply a matter of perception? Beauty, after all, is in the eyes of the beholder, right? When people say such things to me, depending on who says it... sure I grin, feel good, special and whatever else goes along with it. But I have, on occasion, stood in front of a mirror and stared at myself going "Really? really? What do they see?" It amuses me sometimes or maybe that's how I've learnt to handle life. It's interesting, it's amusing. It's a far cry from the days when I used to hide, not want anyone to see me, be a wallflower, be the one taking pictures of others, be the one behind the camera and not in front of it. It only took 25 years or so to step out. I don't know what exactly happened or triggered this, however the one piece of advice that keeps coming back into my head was given to me when I was working as a receptionist for this temporary work-agency. That means one of the things I did was answer the phone. One day the boss calls and I don't realize who it is and I talk to her generally. She later comes into the office, calls to speak with me, and says that when she called she wondered who the hell (yes she said hell) was answering her company's phone because I sounded so matter-of-fact. She sai, "d when you answer the phone, sound positive, sound cheerful. The person on the other end can't see you smiling, but put some effort into it and it changes a lot of attitude". It's true. It really does. And I tried it out, experimented...which I like to do to see if things actually work. I started sounding more upbeat. Sure, I had to force myself to sound extra cheery and not too cheerleader-y. But it worked. Not only did people respond better but I started feeling better internally. I'm serious. The emails I wrote, the things I said, my view point, perspective slowly started changing. I don't think I was mired in misery at the time, however I couldn't believe how better I felt. I still lost track of it all until the same time last year... when those words came back to me. And I thought, I had nothing to lose, I had to move forward. So I forced myself to smile, to laugh, and now I actually have my giggling and laughter and smile back. This year I've had more people say to me that "You like everyone", "you're nice to everyone", "you always have a cheery disposition", "you're always smiling, it's good to see here". Funny, in the three years that I've worked at my current employment, this is the year people have noticed me. Or maybe I'm just receptive finally.

I_ says:
no it makes me happy to listen to you stride through life
like a model

V says:
oh God. can u please forget that model thing

I_ says:
makes me live vicariously through you
its not teasing honest.
I really meant it
the confident stride
the come what may chutzpah

I love that... "the come what may chutzpah". I believe you only genuinely acquire that when you realize certain truths about life. Anyway, it's taken me about two months to write this piece. I kept thinking I sound quite narcissistic. Maybe I do. Or maybe I don't. I don't know. I suppose it helps that I can look at these moments and find them amusing without taking them too seriously. I've done enough self-doubting, self-loathing and hopefully now I'm coming into some self-awareness.

Soundtrack:
Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna
Sexy Bitch - Akon
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
She Wolf - Shakira
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship

Sometimes I should shut up - Part II

2009-10-03T11:03:00.006-04:00

Me: "Dad, I found the boy I want to marry".
Dad: "Who is he? What's his name?"
Me: "He's in my class and I like him. You can talk to him later".
Dad: "Okay".
I was ten. My dad was performing his usual morning routine of shaving before heading to work. It's a wonder he didn't cut himself. I literally skipped out of the bathroom after having made that declaration. Fast forward to the present, the boy I wanted to marry back then has, this year, returned to my life and is happily married. No, not to me.

Me: "You know no one likes you right?"
Her: "Yes, I know. You're the only one who's been honest enough to tell me."
Me: "Okay."
Her: "Why?"
I forget the reasons I gave her, but after that "talk" we became better friends when I understood her and she tried to make more friends. I invited her to my birthday party, she gave me a beautiful pen set, and then we flitted around as teenagers do. I might've been 14.

Me: "Cinderella ruined my life."
Male: "Boy, you're jaded."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Were you planning to rescue me?"
Male: "You are jaded!"
Me: "Yes, I would be to your weak mind."
I turned around and walked away and I think he might've cursed me in his head. I was possibly 22.

Me: "It's okay. If you don't like me you can tell me. I may never speak to you again, but atleast we'll get it out of the way." (God, what was I thinking? The guy I said that to was very nice to me about it but at the time secretly dating someone else. Which ofcourse, came to light later - much to my chagrin). I was 29/30.

Cell officer: "You're following me around today."
Me: "You're being delusional."
Cell officer: "I don't mind."
Co-worker: "I don't think he heard you."
Me: "No, I don't think he did."
Cell officer: "What?"
Me: "Nothing. Have a good evening."
Things said with a huge smile lose their effect unless what you're saying is something really happy. Present day scenario.

After I was getting off the elevator with my CBear, lady huddled in the front corner of the elevator tells the other occupant, "smells." (In my mind indicating my CBear). As the doors close I yell, "Are you sure it isn't you?" I hear the other occupant laughing as the elevator moves to the next floor.
I'm a mother, no one disses my kids - with or without fur. This happened a week back.

Me: "My having a brain and making smart-ass comments negates my dating potential."
Response: howl of laughter.
Two days back, at work.

Random drunk male: "You smell soooo good."
Me: "er, thank you."
Random drunk male: "Wanna come fragrance my room?"
Me: "Buy a vanilla candle and it'll do the job."
Random drunk male: "Not as good as you. You smell sooo good."
Me: "Listen, the least you could do is form proper English sentences! I'm an English major."
Random drunk male: blank stare
Me: "Too many words for you?"
Random drunk male: "So, are you coming?"
Me: "Go ahead, I'll follow you."
Random drunk male: "Yeah?"
Me: "No, not really."
Random drunk male: "But you smell so good."
Me: "Go to the washroom, there's a candle there. Have a party!"
And I walked away. Maybe he cursed me in his head. I don't know.
This was last night. I'm now 32, I behave like I'm 25 and I don't seem to be getting any better.

Jana Gana Mana

2009-08-15T22:37:00.002-04:00

India celebrates her 63rd Independence day today. In honour of that here's a beautiful version of our National Anthem.

Followed by, what some people are calling the new anthem.

Both are inspirational in their own ways. Take from it what you will.

There are some days when I really miss India.

...the world I know.

2009-08-10T22:00:00.002-04:00

I came home today, hugged my dogs, and smothered them with affection while trying not to cry. I pretty much broke down at work today. 3 years of working in a place where you can see the horrible side to humanity, and finally something snapped. I did it to myself really. I can't blame anyone else for making me see what I had the option not to. It was a case of animal abuse. The animal being a German Shepherd Dog and I sat and saw the video of what was done to him. Him being Max. I was obsessed over this case for the past three weeks. I pretty much hounded (no pun intended) the Crown who was in charge of it and then finally turned up in the court where it was being heard. I had to know. I had to see for myself. And it was horrible. That poor dog. What would compel a man to cause that much pain to something that's actually dependent on him - I can never understand. And I don't think I want to understand. There is no explanation that would make this okay. I had to leave court towards the end of the video because I felt physically ill. I can't get into details of how the dog was abused because I just cannot type out the words. I'm still sitting here trying to make sense of it, but it's one of those things that'll simply haunt me for a while, while never getting an answer that would make any kind of sense. Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?

A month or so back I was given the unique opportunity to hurt a man. Physically cause him pain. I say unique opportunity because it's not every day that you find a man lying at your feet telling you to do what you must and not worry about him. It was the strangest sensation. It was part of a test shoot that I did for an upcoming photo spread in a South Asian online magazine. And I case it with ifs and buts because I'm still debating whether I wish to be a part of this idea. It'd be fantastic if it happens, however I didn't particularly feel comfortable when I left the studio for a variety of reasons, but one that stands out is that I simply could not bring myself to cause him pain. The very idea of stomping down on him (yes really, with heels on mind you) either made him a masochist (which I did call him along with being a sadist) or made me heartless. Sure I feel things like pain, anger, rage, and I know I've been wronged but I simply could not put it on display in the physical way when given the chance.

Around the same time or maybe a few weeks before this shoot, an ex-boyfriend contacted me out of the blue and said some very nice things about me. Things that surprised me not because I think I'm horrible, but because he wrote to me a year after telling me he would never contact me again. I was also given the opportunity here to tell him how he had hurt me, what horrible things he had made me feel and so on. But I didn't. I thought about it and wondered what the point would be. I dealt with the pain, anger, hurt, confusion and whatever else that needed to be dealt with in order for me to move forward. He had his own reasons for his bad behaviour at the time, which have come to light. What would be the point of making him feel bad for it now, a year or more later? I told a friend that and she called me selfless. I don't think that's the case at all. Part of it was me being selfish... because I didn't want to bring out all the not-so-nice feelings that I had moved away from.

Sometimes I don't get it. How quick people can be to hurt another. I know I'm not perfect. I've hurt people. I can be callous. Rude. Blunt. But I don't know how to hide. To evade. To be fake. I wish people would simply be genuine. Show some compassion to one another. Take that quick moment of anger and smile instead. It's not easy I know. You have to work at it. And you can if you want to. The worst is when you hurt innocence. And I'm rambling.

All I know is sometimes this world makes absolutely no sense. Collective Soul sang it perfectly (you can hear it if you like by clicking on the title of this post).

"Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know."
The World I Know - Collective Soul

I Stand Alone

2009-07-24T06:24:00.005-04:00

This morning I am encompassed by two different feelings. One, that I need to take better care of myself and two, that I am alone. I don't mean either of them in a melancholic fashion. I'm not lonely. I'm alone. There is a difference. I'm not complaining, I'm just stating what is my reality (as of now, as of today).

These feelings had surfaced a few months before as well, but obviously I'd chosen to ignore them. Which is probably why I'm being made to realize them again today. I hobbled in painfully from my morning walk and almost cried for the pain of it. I've gone and done something to one of my legs and it's actually been quite painful. I still have to walk my dogs though and do my things. I don't have the luxury of saying 'I think I'll just stay in bed and not move'. And I don't have anyone else who can come and take care of them so that I may actually stay in and not move. I'm not writing this stuff out to garner sympathy or pity, both of which people can keep to themselves, however this is what I've had to face time and again and it's made me realize (sometimes after going through hurt and anger) that I do stand alone. Earlier this year, I almost blacked out in my apartment. It was a surreal experience and I could feel myself about to lose consciousness or whatever was happening. The room actually spun and I tried not to panic because at that point it was just Jackie and me. I made it to my bed and literally fell in to it only to wake up an hour or so later feeling extremely nauseous. I didn't tell my parents because I say I didn't want to worry them, but really I didn't want to deal with what would be an argument later on. I still had to get up off that bed and walk my dog, feed myself, and make myself better. Out of the couple of people who knew then what had happened, only one expressed shock and came rushing over to see if she could help. And while I was thankful and surprised by it, I was hurt by the lack of support from someone who "should've" been there, but wasn't.

I came out of the marriage too independent. I'm not saying I didn't have expectations of others, but to actually let them help me out in some way or the other was something I didn't know how to do. (JB, if you're reading this you might know what I'm talking about). I had to learn to do things on my own. It was actually quite sad at the time, but now I've turned it around to realizing that I am stronger than I thought I was and that I can actually do a lot more than I gave myself credit for. This is my reality. And today I'm ok with it. The motivation that keeps me going to better myself and now actually take care of myself is of course the two beings I live with because they are my responsibility. Nothing stops me from doing what needs to be done for them and like I told someone the other day, "unless I'm truly incapacitated, I'm not giving them up so please stop insulting me". The other factor that keeps me going is this feeling of I've been given a second chance of living my life for myself. A good friend has always been after me to do what I like doing, for myself. She's been the only one who has pointed out for many years and has been on my case to stop taking care of others all the time and putting my own interests on the back burner. Granted, that was a different me. However, with time and experience I've learned to actually say no to certain people and certain things and to find a balance between wanting to take care of others and taking care of myself. Some days this works in perfect symmetry, other days - not so much.

The point of all this is since the thought of 'if anything happened to me in this apartment, who would actually know?' came about I've been trying to take better care of myself. It's easier said than done, but I'm making a conscious and concentrated effort. They say no man is an island and most people want to share their lives with others. But what do you do until then? Like Godsmack sang, angrily, "...stand alone".

Sometimes I should just shut up.

2009-07-20T22:53:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.

In high school, as I was walking down a deserted hall getting to my class, the guy who's been "stalking" me for a few weeks pops up and says to me,
Him: "Why don't you like me?"
Me: "What?"
Him: "What's wrong with me?"
Me: "Have you seen yourself in the mirror?"
Him: "What?"
Me: "Nothing. I just don't. That's all."
(Listen by then he had been dropping me notes in the library, turning up where I went, sending his friends to drop me notes, and then taken a marker and written on my locker for all to see. Yes, he deserved it).

From this past weekend:
Me: "Mom, Dad... I have decided what I want to do." (in regards to choice of career)
Mom: "What if we found you someone?"
Me: "For what?"
Mom: "To get married."
Me: after staring at her, "NO. Thank you. It'd just be a distraction."
Now my mom stares at me like I'm an alien being.
Mom: "Why don't you just get married and get settled?"
Me: "Been there, done that mom".
(Yes, my dad had to intervene at that point).

"What's the colour of the sky where you live?"
Me: Smiling brightly: "PURPLE"
I think I actually shut the questioner up who was trying to ridicule me.

13 years ago when taking driving lessons:
Instructor: "Do you think you're a race car driver?"
Me: "YES! Is this not the Grand Prix?"
Instructor: "Get out of my car!"
(Yep, I actually had to leave. Ask me a stupid question, what do you expect?)

From a guy with whom I was on a second date:
Date: "You haven't touched me yet."
Me: (taken aback and trying not to laugh): "Maybe there's a reason for it."
Date: "What?"
Me: "Nothing. Never mind".

To the kid who was trying to pick me up:
Me: "How old are you?"
Him: "21."
Me: laughing "Listen I'm way too old for you. Go talk to someone else"
Him: "You look my age"
Me: "It's the mood lighting in this place"
Him: "Come on. Age is just a number."
(persistent eh?)
Me: "Let me put it to you this way, when I was 10 you weren't born."
Sometimes my friends just hand me a drink and then sit back and see what I'll say.

When I was younger:
Mom: "Please don't run away with someone."
Me: sputtering: "When have I ever given you that impression?"
(Please note back then aunties would tell their kids to try and be like me and then this came from left field!)
Now many years later, "So mom I married a Tamil Brahmin Iyer boy like you wanted. I should've just run off."

To a friend who was recently lamenting to me about boy troubles, "It's your life, go deal with it."
(I did want to hide after that. She still remains my friend, but never lets me forget it).

Years back in a music shop:
Me: "Oh my name means this stringed musical instrument."
Guy: "Oh that's cool"
Me: wandering around the store distracted, "Yeah it's like the sitar. But you put it on your lap and play it."
Guy: "OH REALLY?"
Me: 5 shades of red.
Guy: on the floor laughing in the middle of the store.

A birthday present from two years back:
Bf: "I named a star for you."
Me: "What? NO! I mean... it's too much. You really shouldn't have."
Bf: "I thought you'd like it. Now I can look up in to the sky and always see you"
Me: *gagging in my head* "Oh, that's sweet. I need to go now."
(I am going to hell. I know. And yes, there is a V star actually up there).

From earlier tonight:
"You think we're alike? Go find your own thing to do! You talk about divorce after 2 frickin' weeks of marriage and dare to compare it to me and my pain?" (too incensed to utter words after). What am I the divorce guru now?"
(I don't care if we're not friends anymore).

Him: "Wished I was a mirror so I could look at you all the time."
Me: "Are you saying I'm vain? That I'd be standing in front of a mirror all the time?"
(I'm still banging my head against a wall for that one.)

Today at work:
Lawyer "You look deadly"
Me: "Yes. I'm a regular black widow"
Lawyer "huh?"
Me: "Deadly. Look. Kills. Black.??"
Lawyer "What?"
Me: "How did you become a lawyer?"
Lawyer: "Law school?"
(yes, great come back)
Me: "Why do I bother using my brain?"
Lawyer: "What?"
Me: "Oh geez. Nothing."
(I was in black, with black lined eyes and hence the black widow reference, but it was all a waste).

I think sometimes the brain gets in the way of me playing the part of a ditz. But then, sometimes I should just shut up.

Summer days and Full moon nights

2009-07-09T23:13:00.002-04:00

#1: 11:30p.m.

Man: "Why do you look up at the sky and walk all the time?"

Me: "I'm waiting for deliverance."

(in my head 'Why the heck do you watch me walk my dogs? How often?)

Man: "How do you go from looking innocent to looking like a seductress in a second?"
Me: "Acting's in my blood.

(in my head 'you creep')

Man: "Why are you so aloof?"
Me: "My nickname's The Ice Queen.

(in my head 'will you leave me alone now?'

Man: "You have a smartass comment for everything eh?"

Me: "Yes."

(in my head 'Was that simple enough?')

#2: 6:40a.m.

Neighbour: "Are you seeing anyone?"
Me: "uhh, No"
(in my head, shit why didn't I say yes?)

Neighbour: smiling: "Oh okay. Well, I don't want to come on too strong, but maybe we could have coffee sometime and get to know each other? Like friends first."
Me: "Sure. Coffee. Friends is good. Bye"
(grumbling and walking away, with Jackie, half asleep and wondering how this could happen so early in the morning).

#3: 5:30p.m.

Driver in huge SUV: "Nice dog."
Me: "Thanks."
(I'm walking on the sidewalk with Jackie and this guy is waiting at the traffic light).

Driver: shouts something else unintelligible.
Me: ignoring and continuing to walk my dog.

Driver goes up another street, comes back and parks his SUV (more like a boat) on the opposite side of where I'm walking and says, "Psst. Come here."
Me (slight alarmed): ignoring said Driver and walking away with Jackie.

Spotted the same SUV a few times since, used to slow down, now I take a different route.

#4: 7:00p.m.

Enjoying my usual drink at Second Cup.
Passerby: "You make that whip cream look so good."
Me: toss my coffee, give him a glare and walk away.

#5: 11:30a.m.

Person at work: "Excuse me, but could I ask you a question?"
Me: "Sure." (trying to be helpful with a smile)
Person: Could you tell me where the Justice of the Peace office is?"
Me: Oh sure. You go down the end of the hall..."
Person: interrupting: "You know you're beautiful"
I think the noise that came out of me was one of complete exasperation.

... and yes there's more. Summer's here. Sometimes it sucks being a girl.

P.S: The timeline for all of those is a year. None of them are fictional unfortunately.
P.P.S: Clicking on the title of this post takes you to a song that lends a surreal feeling to these incidents.

The Tony Rich Project - NoBody Knows (Soul Acoustic Live)

2009-07-04T20:02:00.001-04:00

"These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me.."

Choice lyrics from the above rendition of the song. This song has always spoken to me, yes like many others do. Sometimes when you just can't find the words to express yourself...music helps.

Vaaranam Aayiram - Adiye Kolluthey [ High Quality ]

2009-06-24T20:42:00.002-04:00

The point of posting this song is well..basically I like it. I've been listening to it a lot today, humming it on my walks with Charlie and thinking 'Man, Surya looks like my ex (hubby that is). Kumari, if you're reading this... yes, yes...I know. However, if the ex had been anything like this character, I would not have wanted to leave him. I figure this is how it should be. If it's not...what's the point? If you don't have fun or good times when you're supposed to, when else will you? Maybe it's wishful thinking... but on the other hand, maybe it's a definite possibility.

Foolish quest?

2009-06-20T20:25:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm nothing but a fool. Where does this "false" sense of optimism come from that let's me wake up daily and walk around with my head held high? Aren't hope and faith just around so you can tell yourself that what you're doing actually matters - to you, to someone else, to the universe? Would I rather be a fool than nothing at all? I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not the latter. I want to disappear. I spout nonsense and fool myself.

A tortured mind

2009-06-10T00:50:00.002-04:00

"I believe what doesn't kill you only makes you...stranger." - The Joker.

Trauma. Torture. Fear. Danger. Confusion. My fault. Weak. Why? Leave me alone! Get away from me. Please don't. Does no one see this? Why me? Hide. Run. Run. Run away. I don't understand. Protect me. Save me. Please. Withdrawn. Tears. Crying. Anger. Pain. Rage. No trust. No one cares. Not you, not him, not her. No one. Not one soul. Alone. Lonely. Panicked. Pleading. Indifferent. Void. Disengaged. Trust them not. Run. Run. Run away. Words hidden behind walls. Too choked to speak. Restless. Abandoned. Betrayed. Not love. Danger. Always scared. Damaged. Broken. Don't touch me. Black hole. Don't be dramatic. Leave it in the past. Always confused. Trying to make sense. No explanation. No justice. No answers. Floundering. Failing. Intermittent strength. Love. Need. Only love. Share love. Need love. Spread joy. Cut out from yourself. Black heart. Dark mind. Hide. Don't see me. Don't want you to see me. Go away. Change appearance. How do you still find me? How dare you! Seeking innocence. Always seeking. Never believing. Fighting. Surviving. Good person. Unfair. Making no sense. Hold me. Protect me. Need to feel safe.

Possess brain. End torment. Heal. Just heal. Whatever it takes. Hold me. Love me. Protect me. Understand me. Not crazy. Scared. Deep seeded. Don't you see? It's your fault. It's not my fault. How could I know. A child does not know. Grief. Mental drain. Tired. Exhausted. Paralyzed. Shaking. Cold. Freezing. Blue nails.

You're a freak. What's wrong with you? Hurt. Betrayed. Smile. Smile. Smile. Fleeting. Smile. Others have it worse. I know. Stop. Be quiet. Stay silent. Resurfacing. Can't hide it. What's the point? What's the point?

"We are powerful because we have survived.
I have come to believe over and over again,
that what is most important to me must be spoken,
made verbal and shared,
even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.
When I dare to be powerful,
to use my strength in the service of my vision,
then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Your silence will not protect you."

-Audrey Lorde

Belligerence

2009-05-27T22:40:00.008-04:00

7:00p.m. : All day today I've been in a belligerent mood. Everything irritated me, everyone annoyed me and I was ready to bite people's head off for no apparent reason. My mood matched the grey skies and the song "Gives you Hell" (which you can hear if you click on the title of this post) kept playing in my head repeatedly. I didn't bother to delve into my sub-conscious and try to figure out what brought this belligerence about. I didn't care. And I loved it. Yes, I absolutely enjoyed being snarky and snapping at people and giving them one line retorts that left them almost speechless. Where did it come from? I know not. I care not. One day of not being nice was free-ing. It was like being able to walk down a crowded hallway and shoving away anyone in your path and just marching forward without a care. Just for a day. That's all. I know the feeling I woke up with this morning was from remnants of last night's drunken venting session, but that's a logical explanation which deserves no mention in this post of 'I don't care'.

Haven't you ever had a day where you just didn't care or you just didn't want to care? Just one day. What would you do then?

11:00 p.m. Postscript: My belligerence went out the window a few minutes back when Jackie managed to get me on the floor and proceed to lick my face as though she wanted to lick the irritation right out. Yes, I ended up lying there and giggling, so that's that! If you're pissed off, get a dog to sit there and stare at you until you have no choice but to be the awesome person he or she thinks you are.

Why?

2009-05-25T22:18:00.007-04:00

Why is the sky blue? Answer: A clear cloudless day-time sky is blue because molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light.

Why do dogs bark? Answer: Barking, in addition to whining, howling and growling, is a dog's natural means of communication.

Why are you crying? Answer: Pick a situation and I will tell you.

Why are you still with him? Answer: Because I "love" him.

Why is the earth round? Answer: To a first-order approximation the Earth is round. This is due to gravity. Gravity pulls with equal strength in all directions; therefore any variations from a spherical shape will lead to gravitational forces that bring the shape back into that of a sphere.

Why do men hit women? Answer: To dominate and control the person they are hitting. Same reason women hit men.

Why do you smile through your tears? Answer: To hide the pain. I learnt it when I was young.

Why don't you tell me you love me? Answer: Because I can't. The words won't come out.

Why don't you see yourself like we do? Answer: Because my vision is cracked.

Why didn't you come to us? Answer: Because there was no point.

Why did you get another dog? Answer: Because I wanted to. It's none of your business.

Why are you still friends with him? Answer: Because we're better at friendship than marriage.

Why did "God" let that happen to me? Answer: Silence.

Why didn't you do anything about it? Answer: Silence.

What do you do when you don't have an answer for the question why? There are things that happen for which no logical explanation can be given. What do you do then? How do you console yourself? How do you make sense of the world in which you live? How do you move forward? How do you avoid words like revenge, retribution, it's not fair!? Why must you go on? Why can't you be left to simply wither away? Why won't hope leave from within me even after all this? I don't know why... all I can do is ask.

And in so asking I asked a person whom I've come to count on as being a friend if my blog was depressing and this is how our conversation went:

G: I'm fine but how are you - you had a rough spell I think...

Me: I'm doing ok. It's past stuff coming back to haunt me. annoying really. finally decided to pen it. but ill try not to make my blog depressing :)

G: It's not depressing to be honest. It's only depressing if you never come up for light :)

And that last line of his resonated with me. Thank you G. It was definitely a withinsight moment :)

Knocks You Down

2009-05-24T23:26:00.003-04:00

"Did you say it?
I Love You.
I don't ever want to live without you.
You changed my life.
Did you say it?

Make a plan,
Set a goal,
Work toward it.
But every now and then look around,
Drink it in,
Because this is it -
It might all be gone tomorrow." - Meredith Grey, Greys Anatomy

My version:

I would write more, but the song I'm currently obsessed with only lets me pen a few words before I return to day dreaming. :) You can listen to it if you click on the title of this post.

Story of a Girl

2009-05-20T06:00:00.000-04:00

"This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles... "
- Story of a Girl by Nine Days

"Wow, you look hot!"
"Oh, thanks" she mumbles. "It's the makeup"
"No, it's you" they say. "Why are you being fussy?"
"Because I feel self-conscious"

She hesitates and remembers the one clear moment during her teenage years, when getting dressed for a fashion show her A said, "Aunty [so & so] said that if you looked more like me you'd be pretty."

(Thanks A).

"Did you know that when you were a kid your grandfather said you weren't as fair as your cousin?"

(Again, thanks A).

The flash from the camera brings her back and she realizes what an awkward model she makes. She gets angry with herself for appearing silly, but she can't help it. If she wasn't good enough for A, how can she be good enough in terms of anyone else? If people stare at her long enough they will find a flaw. Stupid self-doubt, even though she knows better. She's managed to re-invent herself but certain moments linger especially at such times. So much for the days when she tried to hide herself (it's a whole other can of worms) - she wishes she could go back to them now.

If you really think about it, many women go through similar emotions and moments of low self-esteem brought about by many different factors - from personal to societal influences. In Singapore, for example, fairness creams are well advertised and much sought after. Most Singaporean women are quite fair already and some of them to the point of being pale. But the society they live in deems it so. The fair-er you are the more attractive you were. Singapore isn't the only country that has this notion however absurd it may seem. Look at what MJ did to himself. In India, we have products like Fair and Lovely and the name says it all. Job opportunities, your Prince Charming, Happily Ever After - all good things follow the fair skin factor or so we're led to believe.

What about issues of body image that the media is more focused on these days? I, personally, know someone who had to deal with bulimia. It was at times shocking to have a conversation with this person because there simply was no getting through. As a concerned support person I was quite worried about the damage this was doing to the said individual internally, externally, psychologically and emotionally. Thankfully, she has managed to overcome bulimia, however her image of herself remains an issue every now and then.

And while we're going down this road how about all the atrocities that are committed against women, some simply because they are women. There is a law in India that states that you're not to ask your doctor for the sex of your unborn child. This, of course, came about because of times when families simply didn't want a girl born to them. Female infanticide is still a dark reality. The point to all this is that ... well I don't really know. I started in one place and ended up somewhere else. For the most part, while I try not to fit into any norm or expectation (colouring outside the box is fun), there are times when others opinions of you seems to take over. Growing up I used to be compared, by some aunties, to a tamil actress. Cute, yes. Fun, no. These days, I seem to be compared to a Hindi actress. Flattering - I don't know. I suppose it's better than being called Pocahontas when you become more brown in colour than you normally are. I guess at the end of the day, if you're not comfortable in your own skin it doesn't matter much what anyone else has to say - good or bad. Of course that means you tend to focus more on the flaws pointed out instead of seeing some truth to any of the positives. When I got engaged many years ago, my dad suddenly tried to tell me that I shouldn't stay out late at night because I was now engaged and we had certain standards to maintain. I looked at him incredulously and a month later I went traipsing around Europe. I don't think it was a direct result of his saying I had to behave differently, my dad even trying to say something like that was surprising as hell, however I guess even he succumbed to cultural "rules". It's not easy sometimes, even if you don't want to view yourself as a tall, short, brown, white, pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, average, nerd, slob, posh, etc. individual sometimes you are simply made to.

"Can you become
Can you become
A new version of you

New wallpaper
New shoe leather
A new way home
I don't remember

New version of you
I need a new version of me

New version of you
I need a new version of me"
- Felicity Theme by JJ Abrams.

Nike Cricket TV Commercial

2009-05-12T21:57:00.001-04:00

IPL - Indian Premiere League - has been going on for a few weeks now and it's reaching fever pitch. This is one of my favourites ads depicting cricket. And yes, this is how India is and this is how cricket crazy some of us Indians are. Enjoy!

Inner Funk

2009-05-08T11:59:00.004-04:00

I can't even cry in peace in my apartment. I sat, in despair, on my bed tonight as I dragged my tired and aching body in and all I wanted to do was sob. Two seconds in to crying, I found my face being licked and the towel into which I was trying to muffle my sobs being dragged away as this fuzzy thing tried to jump onto my lap. Jackie had jumped on the bed and was busy licking my face and Charlie was trying to do his part as well, only he hasn't quite mastered the art of jumping onto said bed.

I've been teary-eyed for the past few days and while I try to place my finger on one direct cause, I'm not able to. Every time I think of one thing, something else pops into my head and all I'm left feeling is rather sorry for myself. That turns into anger because I dislike self-pity and then that results in frustration and the feeling of helplessness which just results in more tears. I've been trying to write about it for a few days now but was scared of sounding whiny because through it all, I tell myself to get over it because there are people out there in much dire situations. But I'm just so tired. And brushing this away isn't going to help me. So I'm going to write this and if it sounds whiny, then it is. If it sounds different, it is. And if it sounds harsh, so be it. It is what I feel and have been feeling at different moments and it hasn't gone away yet because it hasn't been fully expressed.

To P: I turned to you when I needed you. I thought you were big and strong and would take care of the issue. But you did nothing other than give someone a warning glance that resulted in nothing. Was I not important enough? How could you place your own shortcomings before my welfare? Your expectations of me are never-ending even though you say otherwise. I cannot shoulder them anymore and if that counts as a failure, so be it. I have failed for you.

To A: Yes, you've been through horrible emotional pain, but what sort of example were you giving your child when instead of letting forgiveness show and lessons be learnt, you let your anger show. Role reversal isn't very conducive when one of the parties involved is a child trying to understand what she did wrong or why she can't be liked for being herself. When will you understand her instead of her always having to see what you've been through?

To J: The one thing you had to do in the end was take care of J. The one thing. And you did in name, by providing her with shelter, some care and food. I am furious about it because now I see the positive changes in her and yes it took time, and yes it took energy and consistency, but should I have been surprised at you shirking your responsibility? The one thing that I hoped you would work on inspite of the road we took was her. I should have known better.

To T: You freak, see if I let you in my apartment ever again! I thought I could trust you with one of the most important things in my life. I thought because you have two of your own, you would be what I needed while I was away. But from stories I've heard since my return, I feel nothing but guilt because I left her with you. You, who locked her out. You, who left the door open and had her run out and then blamed it on her. You who trashed my apartment and had your boyfriend stay over Godknowshowmanytimes in my sanctuary. You had no regard whatsoever for me or mine and it angers me to know end. But I won't make this mistake ever again. I'm sorry J - you'll never know how much.

To Me: I know you feel alone. I know you think you can't go on. You feel tired and lost and wish you had someone to take care of you for a change. You're tired of being strong. You're tired of fighting battles especially with the ones who are supposed to be there for you. But don't you realize by now, they're not your rock? I know three of the four have made you feel like maybe you're just not worth it. But, that's not right and you know that. You know that you need to cry your heart out and then make up your mind to pick yourself up and move forward. It seems never-ending. You're in pain. You feel confused. You feel overwhelmed. But in the midst of all that angst, you also feel hope. You know you'll find the strength to move on. You know you'll do what's needed. But please also know, it's okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while as long as you don't permanently stay in that frame of mind. You know it's a life revived for you and so you'll try and make the best of it. With or without P & A. You're trying to be your own person and you know what to be thankful for. It'll be okay. and sometimes it'll be much better than just okay.

I can't even in cry in peace in my apartment. And on some days, I'm thankful.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castane

Dancing with double trouble...

2009-04-30T18:27:00.004-04:00

I had initially written this note and posted it on facebook. I believe it deserves a mention here since it's the perfect way to introduce Charlie to you. Read on.

'The weekend comes to an end and while it was damp and brooding outside, it was loud and colourful in my apartment. Exactly a week back, March 1st, I brought home a 9-week old puppy who needed a home from a shelter. When I went to visit the home shelter, he was one of the two rescues left along with another brother of his. His one sister and 3 other brothers had already been rescued. Charlie, as I've now named him, was the biggest of the lot and apparently he was the most timid. You would never think that now. The host family had grown quite attached to him but were glad to see him find a home to call his own.

In this week of having Charlie here, life has been in constant motion. Gone are the days when Jackie and I had our routine down pat. Jackie, for her part, is tolerating him but it's gone off better than I could have hoped for. *touchwood* I've been running home from work during every lunch break to take the dogs out and to make sure all hell hasn't broken loose. I've been bruised, nicked and bitten but when it's from a puppy that's teething, that's only to be expected. I will admit to not having been entirely confident when I first brought home Charlie. Trying to train and raise a puppy is a lot of work. Constant questions of whether I could do it, whether I had the energy and confidence to do it was at the forefront of all that self-doubt. But, as I sit here and type this out Jackie and Charlie are playing together and I realize that it's one of the reasons I wanted to get another dog.

This evening, I was happy to be able to lift up Charlie and dance around with him. It's what I do. I did that to Jackie and I'll probably keep doing that to whomever I can. We danced around to Right Now by Akon (yes I know), and Jackie chased us around the apartment. It was a riot. I, now, have the balcony door open and we're listening to the sounds of the rain and feeling the cool breeze on our faces and the dogs are panting in happiness and I'm joyful looking at them.

So, come meet Charlie and dance with us when you get the chance to. Oh, and if you wish to carry him do so before he grows in to the bear he promises to be. :)'

Continuing on from that...it's another rainy day today and I'm happy to say I'm still able to lift Charlie up and dance with him. While the sky is dark and grey outside, we're full of cheer in here. I'm learning to live in the moment thanks to these two canines and once that happens you find that you can appreciate a lot more in your life. Try it.

My day in 55 words.

2009-04-20T19:21:00.002-04:00

Lamenting to a friend about perceived writer's block, she offers me a solution of penning my day in 55 words. Slow recovery process from annoying illness does not let me reprise my role of responsible pet ownership. A moment of defeat turns in to resolve to not look at it as a burden. The end.

Dear Thatha,

2009-04-10T17:39:00.001-04:00

I miss you. I wish you were around. I know I'd be a different person today. I still have to meet someone more loving than you. I wish I had been able to say a proper goodbye. My loss of not having you around has impacted me more than I can fathom. I miss you.

With lots and lots of love,
Veena

Seven Things

2008-09-24T19:27:00.007-04:00

I've been sitting and wondering how to get my foot back into the world of blogs since I've been silent for some time now. Thoughts and ideas raced around in my brain and eventually became a jumble of too many things colliding with each other to get out and be expressed. Overwhelmed by the clamour, I procrastinated. I chided myself for doing so, still avoidance prevailed. I wished for a pensieve like the one Dumbledore possessed (Harry Potter reference) but since I'd have to move to Hogwarts for that I proceeded, instead, to flit through blogs I track. Which is how I chanced upon having been tagged to list seven things about myself. So here we go, I begin typing again hoping the ease with which I used to write before magically makes its appearance...

Here are the rules for "7 Facts about me"---

(a) List these rules on your blog.

(b) Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.

(c) Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

I am...

1) 'Woman, hear me roar'

2) Stronger than I believed myself to be

3) A Nomad - I have a wanderer's soul

4) A Seeker and then a discover-er

5) A Bleeding Heart

6) A new found Pantheist

7) ALIVE

While writing up that list it came to me that I was able to find positive words to use instead of disparaging ones. And that in itself gave me confidence about myself. If you think about it you'll realize that the world we live in is catering more and more towards the people who seem to find excuses in not being responsible for the lives they lead. But, I digress. Instead, for now, let me tag 7 people who will hopefully share themselves in this small itemised manner.

Gary, Lindsay, AJ, Dimi, Nova, ... and that's all I have to name for now.

Since a picture speaks a thousand words...

2008-04-26T17:09:00.004-04:00

You

Me
'There is always hope' - Banksy.

Banksy wins. (in my opinion)

(Thanks Gary for introducing me to Bansky)

New Soul

2008-04-16T21:55:00.001-04:00

On March 1st, I moved in to my own apartment. On March 2nd, I got my Jackie back. Life since then has been good, as you can imagine. I cannot even put in to words the peace I have felt since the move, but I think more so because it enabled my reunion with Jackie. As I type this out right now, she's sticking her head over my laptop and trying to peer at what I write (or so it seems). *smile* Earlier this evening I lifted her up and we danced or rather I swayed and she was held hostage. I'm currently mesmerized by a current Hindi film song called 'Pehli Nazar Mein' and it's singer is Atif Aslam. Atif has a mesmerizing voice and I've become a fan of his. Anyway, you can see the video and listen to the song at this youtube page.

I've been filled with feelings of possibility and hope. Love is at the centre of it all and by that I mean the feeling of being in love with the possibility of love, the feeling of being in love with life and seeing it for its endless possibilities and to tie it all together the hope that things will fall in to place as and when they are needed. The above song makes my heart soar. I think it's more the singer's voice, but I first heard it while at dance class and I got lost in it. It makes me smile and it makes me wistful and it makes me want to move around like a ballerina but I refrain from the latter since I've never taken ballet, so I'd rather not chance it at this stage in life. :) Instead, I pick up Jackie and dance with her while she licks my face hoping to escape. Life is all about moments sometimes, isn't it?

This year has been good to me thus far. Work is going well, I'm managing on my own, Jackie is back and I even met someone. I wasn't looking for anyone and it just sort of happened. I think that just makes it special in its own way. I realized that my heart was open to possibilities and that somehow the bitterness melted away and even though fear clouds it every now and then, I'm able to rise above it when I make up my mind to do so.

So here's to possibilities and new beginnings and now thanks to the Mac Air advertisement, I have come across the perfect song to capture all that I feel. (If you click on the title of this post, you'll be able to hear and see it). I hope you enjoy the song, it makes me happy. :)

Resilience and the Human Spirit

2008-03-31T18:36:00.001-04:00

*This is something I posted on another blogsite. That blog no longer exists, hence this is being transferred here*Originally posted on Jan.23.2008*

I went to a viewing today, sometimes called a wake. It wasn't an easy place to be, but then it isn't about me and my uncomfortableness is it. I'm glad I went even though I wanted to turn the car back at one point. What I witnessed there left me feeling sad yes, definitely, but I was able to see the resilience that can sustain the human spirit. I felt the love people felt for the one who had passed and the determination that his wife (I know I should say widow, but I can't), had to keep all his happy memories alive. She isn't a woman of 50+, she isn't someone who has had many years of marriage to be able to sustain this loss with some understanding and brevity. She's not even 30 years of age and I saw her standing there regaling us with funny stories of her beloved and making us laugh because he would not have wanted anyone crying. I was amazed and just watching her in action made me cry because while it was misery that had caused us all to gather there this evening, it was beautiful to hear her speak and watch her face smile when she remembered him. She was married to him for only two and a half years but she says he gave her enough love to sustain her for the rest of her life. All of us should be that lucky. He leaves her behind not only with loving memories but also with their baby girl who was born just a few months back. I know my friend has a lot to face and get through but I know she will be fine even if she won't be the same. As I type this out I'm listening to an Israeli track I found a couple of weeks back. I think it's beautiful and befitting. It's called Siyaishaya Ingoma and means Sing out for Love and today I felt that happen around me. Here's hoping you feel that one day.
posted by Vee at 9:30 PM on Jan 23, 2008

Move along

2007-08-07T21:30:00.001-04:00

Today I was thanked by my ex for knowing when to call it quits and acting up on it. I was quiet for a moment and then I said "you're welcome I guess". I had been generally asking him how he was doing since I still have this need to check up on him every now and then because for all intents and purposes (in my mind atleast) he's alone here in this country.

But having said that, we're each doing our part in moving forward, in moving along. Seemingly gone are the days when I had to force myself out of bed and give myself pep talks for stepping out into the world or to meet with a friend. Now, having forced myself into activities and trying to regain some semblance of former self, I'm surrounded by activities and friends and things to keep me busy. Yes, pangs happen. Memories cloud judgement. Not having Jackie eats me up inside constantly, if I let myself think about her daily.

Still I am now hopeful every now and then. Even if part of me wants to shrink back into the comfort zone I had created for myself. Hopeful that I'm smiling genuinely again, hopeful that I actually laugh out loud, hopeful that I can let a song take me into dreamland, hopeful that I just feel alive and determined to live a full life, hopeful that I'm giving people a second chance rather than shutting them off.

Yes, part of me feels re-born. And sometimes I can't wait to get where I want to go...infact at times I'm impatient to get to the end. I guess it is from that feeling that the name for this blog was born. Lots of yearnings... finding ways to fulfill them. For now like the All-American Rejects sang

"And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along"

Maula mere

2007-08-05T22:54:00.001-04:00

Mesmerizing. The lyrics and the song is beautiful. The video is simple and meaningful - I love the couple. The girl has an easy smile and laugh. I hope you enjoy the song as much as I have. It's my current obsession. Here's to you being lost in a dream...

Octopus Escape

2007-01-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

Fascinating! Check this out.

Not for the squeamish. Also, I'm trying to get you to watch the video called 'Octopus Escape', so if that's not the particular video playing when the page uploads, please look for it. T

The one I miss the most.

2007-01-17T18:40:00.001-05:00

Because of new developments in my life, Jackie has been living separate from me. She lives with my ex-husband and while this is temporary (because we all know Jackie's my dog), it has been a source of tremendous heartache for me. I've moved in with my folks since the beginning of November, and they were not too keen on having Jackie around. To make things "easier" on all of us and in a way knowing that A would be glad for the company as well, Jackie went to stay with him. I visit her often. Or rather, I did - every other day the first month. But everytime I left her, I would cry on the ride back home and I couldn't take it anymore. I now visit her over the weekends and every now and then during the week. I always get a very excited greeting when I visit her and when I leave she always looks confused. But she's a smart dog and her responses at my leaving her these days are more calm. But I do love it when A says that she's happy when I'm there - as she smiles. And yes, she does smile. Anyway, I chose to have her stay with him because at the time I had no other choice. But I hope to change the living situation in a few months so until then here's a little collage of the being that's brought a lot of happiness and love in to my heart.

Goodbye...

2007-01-09T20:06:00.001-05:00

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

I begin this post with a video of a rather emotional song by James Blunt. This song has been resonating deep within me ever since I heard it. I've cried buckets while listening to it as I internalize every word and understand all the meaning being offered. I've been sad, I've been in a lot of inner turmoil and I have felt that I've been walking a very fine line between sanity and insanity. I've pondered and questioned and fought and had to finally stand straight and make a life altering decision. Life altering because it has not only altered my life but that of all person's involved.

The ending of 2006, brought down with it the final curtain call on my five year marriage. It is not an easy thing to do - to end a marriage where you still care about your now ex, but you know in your heart that staying together amounts to no real happiness for either party. The divorce needed to happen because we had to get out of the quagmire of doubt, anger, hurt and guilt. The character Lorelai Gilmore (from Gilmore Girls) put it perfectly:

"No, you don't get it. I need it to be over, I need it to be over because I can't take this anymore. Yes I loved Luke and yes I wanted to marry Luke, but I didn't want a life separate from Luke and that's all he could give me. I don't want that! If I'm going to be with Luke, I want to be with Luke. And he didn't get it. and I waited, I mean God, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car ok and I just want to be in the passenger seat, but he's locked the door and so I have to hold on to the bumper you know and I'm not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in. But NO! He didn't do that. So I'm hanging onto the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and hitting potholes and it hurts. It hurts. So yesterday, I had to let go of the bumper, because it hurts too much. It hurts too much!"

Some choice lines from James Blunt's song...

"...Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,...

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.And as you move on, remember me,Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow."

2006-12-17T00:50:00.000-05:00

Hero (Shahrukh Khan and Kajol)

I love this song. I love this Indian cinema couple. To see both these elements come together in this well cemented video is amazing. I hope you enjoy it as I have. Of course this may make more sense to my fellow Indians, but I know a lot of you out there love Bollywood just the same. :) Besides, a good song and a good video is all that matters. *sigh* Enjoy.

Winter Funk - 2006

2006-12-17T00:23:00.000-05:00

On December 10th my sister and I danced our hearts out as part of the Shiamak Davar Winter Funk show. This was held at the Meadowvale Theatre in Mississauga. We'd been attending the dance classes since the end of September. We started because we wanted to get back into dancing (we are trained in classical dance - Bharatanatyam) and we wanted to get back into being social and just generally keep active and busy. We were both going through our own respective troubled times and needed a distraction, to say the least. She actually checked out the class first and then dragged me to it and I'm really glad that she did. We made a pact that we would not let each other miss one class. I must say, the pact worked out 90% of the time. What began as something I'd have to convince myself to attend, became something I looked forward to every week. Something that the character of Elle Woods said on Legally Blonde entered into my head and stuck, namely, "Exercise makes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." I started believing it because I became happier. I loved the world after the dance classes. But the main factor was that our dance instructor was amazing. She just had endless amounts of energy and I wanted to be that way.

We met and have now made a lot of new friends. In the beginning, it was a bit awkward ofcourse but it was thankful to see that no one who came there had any airs and graces about them. Our group of 25-30 was a mishmash of different age groups. We had kids who were 12, 14 years old followed by teenagers and people in their early twenties. We had a couple of mother daughter teams and we even had three guys who had no problems with dancing with the rest of the mostly female group. I was even happy to bully the youngest of the three guys and he called me his sister on the day of the show. (and just so all you concerned folks realize, I was bullying him by making him remember his positions etc.)

We learnt dances to two songs - one called the Rishi Medley which consisted of three older songs made famous by an actor called Rishi Kapoor. The other one is called Chori Chori...well, the original is Chori Chori by Aneela & Arash. Ours was Chori/Informer remix. It was fast paced as you can imagine. We all came together to learn to dance, support each other and have a ton of FUN! All of the above were accomplished.

As the date for the show neared, we had dance practices during the weekends at someone's place. I have to mention "Momma" because she became a mother to all of us and invited us to her place for practice. She also went to the trouble of baking cookies and other yummy treats and even threw in a yummy lunch. I christened her our collective "Momma" because she truly enjoys cooking and was happy to tend to us like her flock. During these more informal practices, we had the chance to sit and talk and to really get to know each other and it was amazing. At one such session, we talked in depth about parents and kids (within the Indian context and scenarios) and it was a coming together of mothers and daughters.

Anyway, Sunday, the day of the show arrived, and the previous day we had had a three hour dance practice at Momma's place. We arrived at the theatre at 11:30a.m. and from then began our excitement, nervousness, laughter, fun and dancing. We first went through positions on stage for both our dances. That was followed by technicals, where each group danced to their particular song. It was during this time that all of us, in our different groups, were able to see the entire show as it would be run and we cheered each other on. We were to perform for two different shows...the first show was at 4p.m. and the second one was at 7p.m. So you can imagine how tired we'd have been at the end of the night. We would have danced six times in total, including the technicals. But none of us complained. We had enough adrenaline coursing through us. The rehearsal hall was a cacophony of voices and people making sure everyone looked good. Our group even had the two older guys insisting some of the women put more make up on. lol

Finally it was show time and it went off very well. I think the audience were impressed by the entire presentation. They learnt a lot about Shiamak Davar and were able to see all age groups and talent levels perform. We even had to run into the audience, after our oldies number, and dance among the audience and it was such a boost to see people dancing and clapping in their seats. The night, eventually, came to an end and we said our goodbyes and gave each other tons of hugs before heading home.

The next morning, I logged onto my email account to find tons of emails from the dance group so we're all missing each other, our classes and keeping in touch. The next session begins in February and I hope many, if not all of them, will come back. It's been an amazing experience and this past week I definitely experienced withdrawal symptoms. ' But, it has been an accomplishment of sorts as well since after 12+ years I got back on a stage.

http://h1.ripway.com/tishnagi/ChoriInformer.wma : If you'd like to hear Chori/Informer here it is.

Here are some pics (click on each one individually to see a bigger version):

An impromptu group pic. My sister's right at the back and I'm at the left corner. This is only some of us from our group.
Mita&meKonark,Me,Momma&Shashi

Varsh&Mita (Konark&Rishi in the background)

2006-12-01T00:26:00.000-05:00

Citroen C4 - Must see Ad

It's so creative. And it's been done by Canadian guys.

Dog adopts week-old baby monkey

2006-11-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

Amazing.

http://ca.video.aol.com/video.full.adp?pmmsid=1775836

2006-11-22T00:51:00.000-05:00

Kiwi!

Must see. Well done animation and storyline.

War Children

2006-11-11T17:48:00.000-05:00

In honour of Remembrance Day, here is a picture of Janani and Tinku.

Disclaimer: No actual children were hurt when this picture was taken. The owner of this photograph means no blasphemy to the importance of the actual day.

My sentiments exactly.

2006-11-10T19:57:00.000-05:00

As always Bill Watterson has perfectly conveyed my feelings, via Calvin of course. This is EXACTLY how I've been feeling off-late. The walls don't respond though.

Wise man this...

2006-11-05T22:59:00.001-05:00

'And even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.' :Aeschylus

2006-10-31T09:40:00.000-05:00

Welsh Corgi

I love this little pup. He/She is too damn adorable. Made me very happy. So ofcourse, I had to share it with all of you. Too cute! Corgi has been added to my list of next puppy to bring home. :)

Fashionista

2006-10-19T23:39:00.000-04:00

This is how we keep Jackie warm during the winter...still in experimental stages right now, but something's better than nothing eh?

lol And this is her casual look, while she's busy playing! Oh God, the things we put her through! Poor Jackie baby. I took these pictures laughing and going "oh poor baby". lol

NYC Children

2006-10-06T23:47:00.001-04:00

Here's something heart-warming. It's lovely to see how a creative idea takes off - someone thinks of one and actually does something about it. *applause please*

Good presents NYC Children:

World Leaders Gone Wild

2006-09-23T22:37:00.001-04:00

Must see video. I guess some people are able to express themselves better. :)

GMA :World Leaders Gone Wild

http://ca.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=2&pmmsid=1725020

Video courtesy of abcnews.com

Jackie turns two.

2006-09-19T23:33:00.000-04:00

My Jackie darling turned two years old today. As usual she woke me up this morning, but then I fell back asleep and woke up half an hour later, at 6a.m., to find her sleeping right next to me. I sat up and actually sang "Happy Birthday to you" to her. (If any of my friends thought I was going crazy, it's probably been confirmed right about now) :) I then took her for a short morning walk, then drove to my parents place where my mom gave her a new toy. Jackie was wondering what the heck was going on since it was a deviation from the usual morning routine. Then mom dropped us back at the apartment, where I finished my morning walk with her (Binky the new toy in hand) and then it was all about feeding her and hugging her to bits until she got the desperate "Save me" look in her eyes. lol

Happy Birthday Jackie... I love you.

Mid-week laugh

2006-08-30T21:26:00.001-04:00

(to view a bigger size, please click on the image)

hahahahahahahahahahahha and the laughter continues.... Can you imagine? :)

Bill Watterson, I adore Calvin. Thank you.

Call me Jade-ed.

2006-08-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that offlate my blog is not reflecting anything happy. While I could sit and extrapolate on how happiness is a state of mind and it differs from person to person, I decided to actually address this "issue" instead of making excuses for it. Now, where do I begin.

Last Monday, as I walked into work, I was told by a cop, "You don't smile anymore". If you're wondering "erm, a cop?" - I work at a courthouse. Anyway, that's not the point. That comment bothered me the entire day and I guess it's still bothering me. It made me sit and think about the place I work, how it's affecting me, how it's changed me (without my conscious approval) and who I am now. That's a lot to reflect upon.

I certainly don't work in a happy place. We don't deal with good things generally, we see the negatives of society and what I mean by that is we see the people who are starting on the wrong side of life to people who are ruled by pure evil. And we (who work there) learn to develop our own coping mechanisms. All of us have walls and shields to protect us in someway from what we hear and see. We develop a weird sense of humour amongst ourselves, but it's been a while since I heard pure laughter from within or maybe it's simply my state of mind. Although, I have to say today I had to walk out of the courtroom I was in, because I almost burst out laughing listening to a private complaint case. Yes, we also get the 'this is too weird' and 'you're wasting our time and money for this' matters in our courthouse. The point is that no matter how much we learn to tune out what we hear and see, it enters us and seeps into our pores whereby changes occur in our way of thinking and in our personalities. I know for a fact that I've become cynical. Maybe not all of the time, but when I hear something my first reaction is "yeah right". I don't like this change in me because I know I swore to myself that I wouldn't let anything or anyone change my "idealism". And instead here I am - changed. I know why the change has occurred and I don't mean to paint a bleak picture of who I've become, I'm just highlighting the changes.

Other than work, there are happenings in my personal life that have me feeling anything but pleasant towards anyone. I've just been existing one day after another for the past couple of weeks, because I've had to put my baby in a kennel. She's being boarded by her vet and she seems to like the place, but I remember the evening I was going to drop her off. I took the day off to spend time with her and she didn't leave my side all day. She literally stuck to me and wouldn't move. It's like she could tell something was going to happen and that I was feeling extremely miserable. Anyway, I get her back home Monday night and you can be sure I'm throwing a party for her return. I'm not going to get into why she's away in a kennel, but her not being here daily has made a part of me shut off. I catch myself stopping every now and then missing the jingling sounds of her collar, or her waiting for me when I get home, etc. Anyway, I'm moving away from this topic because it makes me very upset.

Adding to this, I'm going through inner turmoil, which when I think is being sorted out seems to pull me back into it's grasp. So if I'm not my supposedly usual chipper self - I don't care. I'm Jade-ed. Call me Jade. I know I'll come out of this and find a balance, but sometimes the journey is quite interesting, especially when you're finally aware of the journey you take. Don't you think so?

2006-08-15T23:21:00.000-04:00

Rockstar Supernova - losing My Religion

I'm not promoting him for Rockstar Supernova. I have this video up because his rendition and performance of this classic song is fantastic. You can feel and hear the emotion. He made me shiver. Enjoy.

Laugh for the day

2006-08-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

As usual Calvin makes me laugh out loud. Enough thanks cannot be expressed to Bill Watterson.

'Sorry Again'

2006-08-14T22:56:00.001-04:00

sorry again - video

I've begun to hate the human race. We destroy so much. Here is one such proof. I can't even express all my emotions...it's too sad. These poor dogs. Yes, I know they have viciously attacked adults and children. I know the good and the bad, but they are animals. Certain behaviour patterns are intrinsic in them. And I've noticed many-a-time the fault lies with the owner of the dog.

Being a dog owner myself, I can see how my training Jackie in certain ways makes her behave in a particular manner. My lack of control over her is my own fault. It is not Jackie's fault, because she does not know any better. We have bred these wolf descendents to be our companions in life and if we do not train them then the blame only falls to us. Any way, I'm off topic here. Will save that sphiel for another post.

Looking at this video brought what I had been feeling to the forefront. a) I've unknowingly become an animal advocate and b) the human race can be and is despicable. (My thoughts may be all over the place since I'm trying to say a lot).

We destroy natural habitats and then complain about the animals who've lost their homes and wander on to streets, "invade" our homes and "encroach" on our territory. It's a vicious circle. We destroy them. The other day as I was driving, I watched a squirrel try and cross the road and I wondered if the squirrel even knew it was a road it was crossing and if the traffic lights even made any sense. If a car approached the squirrel, the squirrel would probably be frightened half to death, at the sound of what I imagine to be a horrific roar. Most people don't stop for the animals trying to get to safer ground. It saddens me to see roadkill. I know a lot of people don't think twice about roadkill, but seriously I don't think any being was put on this earth to be flattened by a car tire so viciously. It is heart-breaking to see beautiful wolves killed on a BC highway, because people feel the need to speed. (I saw that on a WWF special). We build these highways, thereby forcing animals to run scared, not knowing or understanding what's happening around them and thanks to us there's many more animals on the endangered list.

I really hate people these days, and I make no apologies for it.

Yes, I am aware that there are animal lovers out there and organizations trying to protect animals... but there are far more people out there walking around this planet thinking it belongs to only them and they can do what they wish with it.

People sit and tell me we're high on the food chain and that we have brains and the power to think and make choices and that is how we are different from animals, but I've begun to respect animals in a different way because most of them know when to stop. And what I mean by that is, they know their ways, they know their roles and they don't extend beyond that usually. If they are pushed to behave in a way un-natural to them it is usually thanks to us.

I think I've expressed whatever I can on this topic. I need to work with the World Wildlife Fund. Anyone know anyone there?

What does your Birth date mean?

2006-07-25T21:19:00.000-04:00

Strolled into Pica's blog (via Gary's blog) and came across the following quiz. And like she mentions on her blog, my results seem to be pretty darn accurate! Give it a shot.

Your Birthdate: March 18

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause.You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too.Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others.You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress.
Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years
Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities
Your power color: Crimson red
Your power symbol: Snowflake
Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2006-07-24T20:58:00.000-04:00

'With a Little Faith'

I don't think any one of us can have much cause for complaint after watching Faith. She's amazing.

2006-07-23T22:16:00.000-04:00

Chasing Cars (Grey's Anatomy Version)

My new favourite song and music video. (hope you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy). I get lost in these words and his voice. Here are the lyrics:

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes,

they're all I can see I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Dog blamed for hitting woman with truck

2006-07-15T21:52:00.001-04:00

OGDEN, Utah (AP) - A police dog that was left in a pickup truck with the engine running apparently knocked the vehicle into gear and ran down a woman who was walking to her mailbox.

Mary F. Stone, 41, was expected to remain hospitalized with a fractured pelvis and tailbone until at least Friday, said her husband, Paul Stone.

The dog, a German shepherd named Ranger, had been left in the truck while its handler responded to a domestic disturbance call Tuesday, police Lt. Loring Draper said. The truck's engine was on so Ranger would have air conditioning.

Draper said Ranger must have hit the shift on the steering column, putting the automatic transmission into gear. As the truck slowly rolled forward, police officers yelled to Stone, but she couldn't get out of the way in time, he said.

A front and rear tire ran over her. "She had tire marks on her clothes," her husband said.
The truck then went through the Stones' yard and struck a vehicle in the driveway.

Draper said police were trying to determine if there might have been some malfunction that would have allowed the gear shift to be moved easily.

07/14/06 07:41 EDT

That's the story up there folks. Now, can you tell me why they'd need to head line it as Dog blamed for hitting woman with truck. What did Ranger really do other than sit in the truck which shouldn't have been left running? Jackie adds her two cents by growling in agreement with that sentiment. I find, too often, dogs get the blame for things that are many times not their fault, but the pet owner's fault. I guess that's why people like Cesar Millan are doing well. Don't get me wrong I admire Cesar Millan and his work and his abilities. But, stop blaming the dog for things that are human error. Ok, I'm not crazy dog lady - yet - but just stop for a minute and think about it and tell me in all honesty that human stupidity isn't at play in many of these cases?

My Almost Happy

2006-07-11T20:45:00.000-04:00

This post is dedicated to the puppy I almost took home today. I saw him at the pet store. That was my first error, walking into the pet store as opposed to walking by the pet store. He was the happiest puppy I've ever seen behind glass panes. He was white - white as snow - and fluffy and happy. He was alert, curious and just exuding positivity. And yes, I got all this from staring at him for five minutes. My imagination launched into overdrive (as it normally does) and I imagined him as the perfect companion for Jackie. Jackie does get bored at home when I'm at work I'm sure. I also saw (in my head) that I'd have to buy a new feeding bowl for him and how I'd have to tell Jackie that she had her own bowl and he had his. I'd already begun to envision the long walks the three of us would take when I snapped out of this reverie and made a call to the hubby to tell him in very whiny tones about my Happy. The hubby ofcourse said the words I knew he would and so I left the pet store, leaving a piece of my heart behind. Yes, this may sound melodramatic to some, but it's how I felt and still feel. I can't afford to get another dog at the moment. Logically, it's right. But emotionally, that beautiful curious white puppy was already mine. On the bus ride home, I named him Happy. When I think of him, all I think is happy. And while I'm disconsolate about leaving him behind, I'm praying (really hard) that he goes to a good home. Because I certainly don't trust that all pet owners are good.

Lesson learnt: Walk BY pet stores.

P.S: I think he was an American Eskimo by breed.

P.P.S: Kinda appropriately, these lyrics just popped into my head...

This one goes out to the one I love

This one goes out to the one I've left behind

A simple prop to occupy my time

This one goes out to the one I love - The One I Love by R.E.M

Musings

2006-07-02T20:12:00.000-04:00

My new creative blog friend Kumari very kindly tagged me on her blog. So here goes:

I am thinking about...
The games people play.

I said...
'Amma, had thatha been alive I would have turned out so differently'.

I want to...
be free.

I wish...
I was free.

I hear...
my conscience.

I wonder...
how the world became so wrong.

I regret...
not having been able to say goodbye to my thatha.

I am...
strong.

I dance...
with feeling; sometimes self-consciously. Sometimes with sex-appeal. Mostly alone.

I sing...
in my head.

I cry...
for anyone and over anything.

I am not always...
emotional.

I make with my hands...
things I can be proud of.

I write...
the depth of my emotions, because they don't always come out of me verbally.

I confuse...
nice words with genuine-ness.

I need...
to move forward.

And finally...
thank you God, for Jackie.

I now tag: Gary, Dimi, Lavy, Ramya, Kaumu & Lindsay.

The nuisance that is calorie counting.

2006-07-02T19:49:00.001-04:00

One of the topics that is the source of infinite irritation for me these days is the lunch time topic of calorie counting. I guess, it's not simply a lunch time conversation, but that's when I hear it most - at work among co-workers. There we were sitting in the cafeteria during lunch, about to enjoy our meals or so I thought when the dreaded topic was started. Perfectly normal and seemingly healthy women were complaining about almost every morsel of food they were putting into their mouths. Pizzas, burgers, frieds, salads, salad dressings, sandwiches, icecream, pop, juices - everything was dissected under the finest of female minds. I was quite literally the odd one out. I've never calorie counted, nor do I intend to begin. I like what I eat and I eat what I like and I don't let thoughts like I wonder how many calories this piece of bread constitutes clutter my head. I love bread, potatoes, chocolate, coffee, icecream and yes...there are months when I'm looking my worst in terms of weight, and there are of course following months when I'm fit as a fiddle. However, I don't believe that counting my calorie intake will help me attain my healthy weight goal. I think all things in moderation will let you enjoy the finest of foods this world has to offer - with the exception of highly emotional moments and PMS (ofcourse this addresses the female half of the world). If there are times when you need to pig out, then by all means pig out. I don't think there's anything wrong in that, provided you have a healthy mental state.

The worst of the complainers, I've found, are the people who constantly complain about the calories said pizza, fries, etc. contain yet, they insist on still eating these food items. If it is really that bad for you, please eat something healthy and less caloric and give my ears some rest. Else, shut up and enjoy your damn food. Grrr...<-- Jackie

The power of a yawn.

2006-06-26T06:40:00.001-04:00

The reason for my silence is as shown below (replace Hobbes with Jackie and the comic book in Calvin's hands with a laptop) :)

I just looked at the date of my last post and literally had a eyes wide reaction when I saw May 10th. I'm trying to think of where I've been and what I've really been doing, but nothing concrete comes to mind. I didn't have much to say I guess, or just didn't have the initial enthusiasm to sit and write. Hopefully, the feeling's returned. For, even though I was quiet here, I know I've been visiting other's blogs and keeping in touch. I think I may have created a mental block towards writing because I've been preparing myself to sort out my thoughts regarding a serious issue, which I hope will be an upcoming post. Anyway, for now...I'm back...no matter how much Jackie yawns and stretches out next to me. Speaking of Jackie, here's a recent picture of her enjoying the sunset with me.

Passion to live.

2006-05-10T23:27:00.000-04:00

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." On The Road, Kerouac

Ditto...
- Vee :)

Complacent

2006-05-05T23:54:00.001-04:00

I was enjoying my drive home after having dropped off my sister at her place. It was around 11:20p.m. on this Friday night. The air was cool, it was drizzling and vehicles were out and about. I came to stop at a red light. There were two other cars to my right and on the left turn lane beside me, there was a car filled with four passengers. All our traffic lights were red. The oppossing traffic's light turned green before ours did. Suddenly the car to my left started and sped up through the intersection making a left turn. There was van coming at high speed from the opposite side (as was his right of way). As if in slow motion, all of us saw the van smash into the car. The car turned180 degrees, climbed the trafficlight on the other side and came to a stand still. The hood of the van was smashed in, glass flew everywhere, and we saw all the passengers in the car surge forward and then fall back into their seats. After the sound of the crash, there was nothing but shocked silence all around. No one moved. And then very slowly traffic started up again and we all drove off on our respective ways.

Along the way, I wondered 'when did I become so complacent?' I was in something of a daze, but I'm not sure if it was brought on by the sheer exhaustion I was feeling, the lateness of the night and this scene before me just became one more thing to pile on to the already burdened shoulder. When did I stop caring as much as I used to? And more importantly why? I called my sister and told her about what I had witnessed and she gasped and immediately asked me if I was alright, since such things usually affect other drivers as well. I told her in a matter-of-fact tone that I was almost home and that I was fine. I know for a fact, that some time back I would have been possibly shaken, definitely worried about the outcome and would've dialed 911. I didn't do any of these. I didn't stop to see if all passengers and drivers were ok. I didn't do anything to put my mind at ease, probably because my mind wasn't in any turmoil. Maybe it'll hit me tomorrow or maybe I'll just keep being complacent. I don't know if it's good or bad. I just know that this is how I've become and while such a change in me would've bothered me to no end earlier on, right now I don't even feel bad that I didn't react more strongly tonight.

A tribute to Sasha

2006-05-04T23:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Sasha,

I don't personally know you. But, I do know of you. You've meant a lot to Gary and his family. Thanks for taking care of them and sticking it out through the good and the interesting times. You were very much loved. We hope you're happy at the Rainbow Bridge. Gary, I hope you and your family are doing OK. You are more than welcome to share in Jackie's life.

With Love,

Jackie & Vee

Sasha, Gary's beloved 16-year-old companion passed away on May 3, 2006.

I've found...

2006-05-01T23:25:00.001-04:00

...the answer to procrastination!

Thanks to Bill Watterson - the GENIUS behind Calvin & Hobbes.

Mercy and Mooie

2006-04-30T03:28:00.001-04:00

**WARNING: Graphic pictures ahead. Proceed at risk to your emotional state**

While perusing Bark-n-Blog, I came across the horrifying stories of Mercy and Mooie. Who, you ask.

Mercy - a 10 month old "pitbull mix girl who had apparently been beaten, dragged behind a car, stabbed, chemicals and gasoline poured on her and burned, then stuck in a tree left to die." A passerby found her and brought her to Operation Kindness (a non-profit organization dedicated to the care of homeless and unwanted dogs and cats in a no-kill environment). Mercy fought a seemingly loosing battle and her heart gave out on April 23, 2006. A memorial service was held for her on April 29, 2006. Mercy's tormentor - a 21-year-old was jailed on April 27, 2006 and charged with her torture and death. If you would like to read more about Mercy's tragic story please visit the Operation Kindness website.

Mooie - a four month old puppy - had enough acid poured on her that it burnt nearly 98% of her body. The poor thing tried to lick the acid off of her body and ended up burning the inside of her mouth. She was found by two children as she staggered on to the backyard of the house she was tortured in. (There are varying accounts of how she was found). The vets had to immediately euthanize her because it was the humane thing to do. Her tormentor is still at large. For details and more information please visit Pasado's SafeHaven website.

Why am I drawing your attention to such a disturbing story? Because it needs to be shared. What can I even say, except I'm so sorry Mercy & Mooie that you had meet such a horrible end at the hands of some humans. Larry Powell puts it into better words.

I hope Mercy and Mooie are happy at The Rainbow Bridge.

Thank you for reading.

Thought for the day.

2006-04-10T21:32:00.002-04:00

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other".
- Mother Teresa

That quote left it's impression on me sometime back. It says so much. We belong to each other as human beings. If we realize that, would all this suffering in the world come to an end? I'm not talking about nature induced suffering, but the harm that we cause each other. Ponder.

If a picture speaks a thousand words...

2006-04-08T00:11:00.001-04:00

...what is being said to you now?

My Rant.

2006-04-07T22:26:00.000-04:00

I was listening to the news today and it was disheartening. Yes, news tend to be horrific these days. Anyway, I was listening to local news about how the grandparents of a 5 year old boy were found guilty of child abuse. The boy had been found in 2002 and he had died due to starvation. It's a really sad case and as the news caster was saying, "the system failed him". His parents had been abusive and he was taken from that abusive situation and placed with his grandparents who were known to be child abusers. The poor kid eventually died.

In, another unrelated piece of news, a body of a newborn baby was discovered in a plastic bag inside a vacant apartment in Mississauga. For some reason, these two news items really bothered me today. Ok, let me not pretend not to know why they caught my attention. Being a caring person, I was aghast that people could behave in such horrific ways with children. And then that disbelief turned into anger. Rage. At human beings who go around performing such stupid and dastardly deeds. And then I just basically wanted to yell out, "Stop having kids! Stop claiming to be an intelligent being and having kids and treating them like s***. These kids have done nothing wrong. They don't even know what wrong is yet. Who the heck are you to deal with a life in such a way? What even gave you the idea that you could have a kid and care for them? Don't you have a brain to realize that perhaps you cannot have a kid or rather should not have a kid? "

So this is my rant:

Look around you. There are so many babies out there in the world - abandoned, abused, in foster care, looking for loving homes. If you are a loving person please consider taking them in as opposed to adding to the world's population. I know, who am I to preach? I don't even know at this point if I'm going to have a child of my own - biologically speaking. Not that I don't want one. But I know for a fact and with absolute conviction that my child will be loved and well taken care of and brought up in the best way possible. *touchwood* But I DO NOT understand people who cannot fulfill the responsibility of being a parent. Listen dumbass, you don't have the right to talk about your life and yourself once you have a kid. You had sex, you didn't use protection, you wanted a child, a kid isn't a novelty item, etc.etc. - they come with responsibilities. If you can't and you know you can't take care of your kid, please put him/her up for adoption. Hopefully, they will have a good life. I know such is not always the case. But it is better than abusing them through no fault of their own or putting them in a fricking plastic bag and killing them. What gives you the right? People can be completely ruthless.

Everything is exploding. Don't you see it? Our population. Population of animals. Breeders, maybe you should stop trying to breed more and more dogs and bring more puppies into the world. It seems that not everyone realizes that puppies have feelings too. That they come with their share of huge responsibility. That while babies can eventually speak and while we can understand their language better, puppies are only always to be interpreted. After the cute-ness factor has faded (I don't think it ever fades, but...) there is a living, breathing being in front of you begging for your love and ability to take care of them (or so they believe). But instead, dogs are abandoned and placed into many full-to-the-brim humane societies and eventually put to sleep. Why? Because we who first create many of them, finally complete the cycle of birth and death for them.

And we call ourselves the most intelligent species on this planet.

Jackie - update.

2006-03-26T02:01:00.001-05:00

I'm happy to say that my Jackie baby is doing fine. *touchwood* Thanks to all the positive forces in the world (including God(s) and good wishes from fellow humans). It was hard work trying to get this active being to be still for most of the time, but it's paid off well. She runs, she jumps, she smiles, she gets hyper and she does not limp. I'm still careful with her to make sure she's not getting too crazy with her running and jumping, but it's wonderful to see all four feet on the carpet when she eats or stands still. :) God, I love that creature! *touchwood*

Define me - I think not.

2006-03-21T17:24:00.001-05:00

Results of a test I took a while back:

Blue

You're blue - the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you - they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue - and patently you!

I remember getting this result back and thinking, most of it is true, but it's only me for the moment. Funny how the option you choose gets you a particular result. I might be blue right now but I have been red, yellow, white and black as well...in my own way. And yes, I know you can't take this as truth and live your life by it but it led me to wondering how we live our lives being defined. Sometimes we consciously choose to define ourselves and other times we fall into categories. Which led me to question: "Why are we always defined? Why can't we just be?"

I am defined as a South Indian Tamil Brahmin girl. Did I define myself this way - perhaps I did earlier on. Along with this definition comes many assumptions of character, speech and behaviour. Some expected, some assumed, some taken for granted. There's nothing wrong with it per say, but if that's all I am and if I am told because I am all this I should believe in such and such things and behave in defined pre-existing ways - then sorry, I'd rather be undefined. A friend called me an anomaly the other day and I remember feeling proud. Go figure. :)

I read an interesting point in the book called 'The Zahir' (by Paulo Caelo). Before I get into the point, I have to say that this is an amazing book. It really spoke to me. (Okay, yes, a lot of things speak to me). The book has expressed so much of what I'm thinking and feeling and learning. Anyway, the protagonist talks about railway measurements and links it to how we're all defined with a similar idea in mind. We stick to our definitions, well most of us do, and we're happy to abide by them. Should someone question it and step out of life we are quick to judge and try to rope them back in. It's a pre-disposed mindset that needs some questioning and fine tuning. Instead of focusing on character traits and defining ourselves as good, caring, thoughtful, thought-provoking, pleasant, angry, manipulative, cynical, et al we first call ourselves Asian, Hispanic, Indian, Canadian, American, black, white, brown, etc.etc. While sometimes it is easy to identify someone as 'that white guy gave me this' as opposed to 'see that caring guy walking away?' *lol* <-- just trying to imagine someone's face when I tried to explain something to them in that manner.

Anyway, what brought this topic about? Other than thoughts from the results of the colour test, I was beginning to wonder if anyone saw me as anything other than female Indian. I understand, it's the first judgement made when you only see someone and don't get to know them. But my point is many a time, a person gets stuck simply on the cultural and outward description. I'm also fighting against the imposed beliefs that comes along with the title 'South Indian Brahmin Girl'.

How would you like to "define" yourself?

This Year....

2006-03-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

Chantal Kreviazuk - This Year

"This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...

This year, I'll reach the pinnacle
This year, I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year, I'm never gonna stop

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
I'm gonna have fun

Just watch me now
This year
This year"

(This song speaks volumes to me. It was playing in the background. Chantal Kreviazuk is a wonderful singer. I've been to two/three of her concerts and I've been mesmerized. Enjoy).

My baby has a boo-boo

2006-03-11T23:59:00.001-05:00

Since last Friday I've been worried about my baby. I came home from work and noticed her limping. Her back right leg seemed to be bothering her. And then when she stopped to eat, she kept that leg raised all the while through. My heart lurched and I called my husband up to hysterically tell him that baby was limping! He calmly told me to check her foot to see if there were any cuts or anything stuck between the pads. I checked her paw and there seemed to be nothing amiss and infact Jackie didn't yelp or cry out in any pain. She just seemed uncomfortable. So husband suggested letting her be and if she was still limping on Monday, we'd take her to the vet. I watched her carefully for the next two days and the limp was still prominent. I felt so guilty thinking, "why the heck do we have so much furniture or things lying about this damn apartment. My poor baby hit herself on my stuff *sob*". Erm, anyway, Monday dawned and Jackie was still limping so that evening, after work, I took her to the vet and he examined her thoroughly and said her hips and legs seemed fine but that we'd have to get X-rays taken. I also mentioned she was losing weight (she's lost 5lbs!) and the doc then said that bloodwork would have to be done as well. I was to drop her off at the vet the next morning (before work) and pick her up in the evening (after work). They would be giving her a sedative before her blood work and then give her anesthesia to put her out for 10 minutes or so in order to take her x-rays. As you can imagine, I was in quite a state even though I knew this was not life-threatening, but the mind can scare you if you let your imagination run.

Her blood work came back normal. Her x-rays showed a ligament tear which if she damages any further could lead to surgery and then problems for the rest of her life. :( So we've been told to keep her resting for as long as possible. Which is really hard especially since she's still quite puppy-minded and loves to run about and play. I feel bad for her but I don't want her facing this for the rest of her life....so I ignore her comeplaywithmemommy looks and instead order her to lie down. It breaks my heart, but she needs to heal. Although till date, I don't see an improvement. The husband thinks this will just go away in it's own time, but I don't believe him. *grumble*

Fields of Gold

2006-03-11T15:57:00.001-05:00

I had a good drive today. I love driving. Once in a while, I have an excellent driving day. The sky is blue and clear (sometimes filled with puffy white clouds), the sun is bright, nature is at her best. And then there are days when the sky is brooding and it matches my mood and I drive listening to mellow music and feeling the cool wind in my hair. Today's drive began as a stormy one - rampant with overworked emotions - but then it cleared up to match the wonderful weather we're having. I began to take notice of signs of spring arriving - birds flying back in (I saw some graceful landings), greenery creeping back in, the smell of spring in the air basically. I drove to visit this beautiful little place my mom and I chanced upon a year or two ago. We were simply driving back home and decided to take a different route. This new route led us up and down winding roads and then suddenly we came to this little clearing that looked like paradise at the time. It was summer time and this tiny place was lush with greenery and tall wonderful trees. We had to drive on a tiny wooden bridge which had a babbling brook flowing under it. Mom and I were surprised and really taken in by this small space of beauty among the otherwise dusty road. Anyway, I went back to visit the place, while I was driving around this afternoon, and winter had taken it's toll. It was barren, although the bridge was there and the brook still flowed. But it was a different sort of beauty. I was driving along roads within farm country and I found broken down barns beautiful. I guess it is all in the eye of the beholder, but I remember wishing for my camera (which I'm usually with). Guess, I'll have to drive back another day to take some pictures. :)

Fields of Gold brings to mind Sting's sensual rendition of the song. Whenever I pass fields of corn/maize/barley (I don't know what it is exactly) I always remember the song. They are fields of gold and I was happy to see them glittering in the sunlight today. I was tempted (as always) to stop the car and actually go running through them, but then thoughts of life within an asylum stopped me. *grin* Maybe if I had had company...any takers?

Until the next time I go for one of these long drives, and gaze upon these glistening fields, here is Sting's song to hopefully make you imagine what I'm blabbering about.

MIA

2006-03-05T08:35:00.001-05:00

I've gotten a few inquiries into why I haven't been blogging for a while. I think my last post was on Feb.9th. Anyway, I have no clear explanation. But I came across this Calvin & Hobbes strip (one of my fav. comic strip collections) that should explain things quite well.

P.S: The writer's block has been moved for the time being, so I should be back - atleast in terms of writing :)

My Bru-station

2006-02-09T01:52:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I started calling him bru-station, it just happened. Probably part of having to assign nicknames to, well, cute things. And Bruno is a very adorable new member of our family. He belongs to my sister and her boyfriend and is 8 weeks old. He's a bassett hound (a hush puppy) and he came home this past Monday night. Ok, so this is how it all happened. Bruno wasn't planned. I met my sister and Jeff at the Sq.One shopping mall (our fav. mall) Friday evening, to aimlessly wander about and accompany my sister on her shopping trip and ofcourse wrangle a moccaccino from her. :) Jeff then starts talking to me about this adorable bassett hound that they've seen at the pet store and they want me to go see him. I refused at first, because I have a hard time at a pet store. If I see a puppy looking sad behind the glass cages I walk out depressed. Anyway, after much time was spent in trying to convince me I went into the pet store to see this bassett hound and yes, he was very very cute. Jeff wanted to get him while my sister was hesitant because it's definitely a big step and she had always wanted a Husky. But who could say no to this little fellow?

Anyway, what happened was I went into the pet store alone, while Varsh & Jeff went into another shop. A few minutes later they met me outside the pet store and I started crying on my sister's shoulder. I had seen a 4 month old Goldie Poo who looked so miserable, I can't even begin to describe it. And when she looked right at me with the most woeful expression on her face I lost it. I wanted to take her home, but it wasn't feasible. Anyway, after calming me down we began to speak about the bassett hound. They went back in the store to have another look while I sat and drank my moccaccino and tried to be discreet esp. after having cried in the middle of a busy mall! (lol). Anyway, they came back and were in a quandry over the puppy. Finally, we decided to go and see if they'd let us hold the puppy. And Jeff whispered to me, "if she holds him, she'll get him". We were shown into a side room and Bruno was brought out to us. It was love at first sight for all of us. He ran around the room as much as his pudgy little paws would allow him. We were delighted! He tried to sink his teeth into our shopping bag and pull it around the room and we laughed. The pet store employee said they could hold him for us for an hour. So we left and decided to talk it out while shopping. But we shopped little and talked a lot. Finally a decision was reached. The pup was to be Varsha and Jeff's. :) We went back to the pet store, sorted out the payment details, played with the puppy some more (while I tried to ignore the goldie poo) and then we headed home. The puppy was going to be taken to Varsha's place on Monday because the place had to be first puppy-proofed and secondly, V&J weren't around during the weekend. We celebrated that night. V&J came over to my apartment and all of us (hubby, V,J,me & Jackie) had dinner together and just chilled for a while. We made plans to meet up at the pet store Monday evening.

Monday evening came and Varsha and Jeff waited for us to get to the pet store. We couldn't wait to pick up Bruno. The name Bruno was chosen after some debate. All sorts of names were suggested, but Bruno stuck. Bruno was brought home and he was scared at first, but after a while he became busy trying to balance himself out and run around familiarizing himself with his new surrounding. He's absolutely adorable and he's adored by Jeff & Varsha. Bruno's ears (long as they are) keep getting in his way when he tries to run and it's too funny. We've (Varsha and I) never handled a puppy so small, so it's an entirely new level of fascination and protection.
Here are the proud 'parents':

Yeahhh, Jackie gets a playmate! Although for now she is being referred to as Jackie's dinner by my husband. (lol). Jackie and Bruno haven't met as yet. That will hopefully happen next weekend.

Welcome to our mad, mad world Bruno! :)

Happy is: Dermot

2006-02-03T01:25:00.000-05:00

happy is dermot
I fell in love with this picture (ofcourse with the dog as well). That's how I get with bubbles around me as well. (lol)

I came across this lovely site the other day: http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/ You'll see some of the cutest friendships there! :)

Rambling Stars

2006-02-02T01:40:00.000-05:00

TWINKLE, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are !
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

... (taken from The Star; written by Ann Taylor & Jane Taylor (1783-1824)

image taken from the site: http://www.southernskyphoto.com/southern_sky.htm

Have you ever looked up at the night sky, seen it full of glittering stars and marvelled at them? Wondered just how long it must have taken one of those shimmering lights to travel here so it can be seen by us? I was made to marvel at that concept tonight while watching a show called Mysterious Ways. It's about this anthropology professor who goes around trying to prove if an event was a miracle or not. Anyway, towards the end of tonight's episode he was talking to someone about stars and the light they give out and he mentioned how 500 light years means that it took the light 500 years to travel through space to be able to seen by us. I thought, "Wow, that's a long journey!" And some of us glance up at it for a second and then keep going. Some of us don't even bother to look up (because we forget to, or we simply don't care). I've always loved night skies filled with lots and lots of stars. It's one of the things I miss here in Toronto. In India, we'd go up to the terrace on a humid night and even sleep there - right under the blanket of stars. You could see so many there that you couldn't even count them. Here, I'm lucky sometimes to spot 20.

Anyway, the thing is I started thinking about nature and her ways. Everything in nature, takes it's own time to grow and flourish. It follows its cycle of birth and death, with no complaints. It does exactly what it's supposed to do and that's all there is to it. Look at how long it takes for a tree to grow and become well, huge! There's no guarantee that what begins will end in accomplishment. Stars die out before they reach our eyes, trees don't reach their full heights due to various factors. A seasonal change illustrates this beautifully. Every Spring things begin to grow and in time for Winter they also begin to die out. Only to begin the whole process again. I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll try to get to my point.

I'm just wondering what happened to our patience. Where the feeling of experiencing the journey went. In this day of instant gratification (a phrase my dad uses a lot) we don't even have patience for each other. Everything needs to happen now; this very second. Else, we've lost interest. Where has our value for a certain process disappeared? I'm not be-littling technological advancements. Those have been much needed and have made life easier as well. But we need to find a balance between breezing through technology to get work done and well, breezing through people and respective relationships and experiences. What happened to worth? Anyway, these are just some thoughts in my head. And it all started because of some twinkling stars. :)

'The Doting Husbands Association?'

2006-02-01T00:42:00.000-05:00

I saw a headline today that made me curious. Ok, a lot of things make me curious, but...you'll see (or rather, read).

"TOKYO (Reuters) - A group of Japanese men hoping to encourage the nation's legions of workaholic husbands to head home early and show their wives some appreciation have proclaimed Tuesday "Beloved Wives Day."

The group, which calls itself the "Japan Doting Husbands Association," urged men to get home by 8 p.m. and say thanks to their wives for all they do. "

Want to read more? Please go this Reuter's newspage.

I'm liking the sound of 'Beloved Wives Day'. However, I don't think we need a day set aside to be thanked for all that we do. But I guess for oblivious husbands, this needs to be first scheduled into their PDAs and then it will become habit. :) No no, I'm not bitter. I just find this amusing. It's better than sitting and ranting about how men need to be forcefully reminded to give thanks to their wives while wives have it automatically ingrained in them to appreciate their men. I'm sure there are exceptions, and I'm glad for them. This is simply an observation to the article.

Republic Day

2006-01-26T01:28:00.000-05:00

India celebrates it's 56th Republic Day this year. What is our Republic Day you ask? Well, here's your answer:

"New Delhi: January 26, 1950 is one of the most important days in Indian history as it was on this day that the Constitution of India came into force and India became a truly sovereign state, a totally republican nation. The country finally realized the dream of Mahatma Gandhi and the numerous freedom fighters who, fought for and sacrificed their lives for Independence. This auspicious day was decreed a national holiday and has been recognized and celebrated as the Republic Day of India, ever since".

56 years down the line, Gandhi-ji's vision is still being called forth to be carried out. I wonder when we will get it right? Or perhaps we haven't been fully able to achieve this since we Indians tend to be a very passionate lot about a lot of things that the notion of ahimsa simply goes flying out the window? Just pondering...

Anyway, here is Dr. Prasad's plea ("Fulfill Bapu's dream") to fellow countrymen on the birth of the Republic:

Delhi: Dr. Rajendra Prasad in his special message to his countrymen, on the birth of the Indian Republic, said: "We must re-dedicate ourselves on this day to the peaceful but sure realisation of the dream that had inspired the Father of our Nation and the other captains and soldiers of our freedom struggle, the dream of establishing a classless, co-operative, free and happy society in 'his country'. We must remember that this is more a day of dedications than of rejoicing - dedication to the glorious task of making the peasants and workers the toilers and the thinkers fully free, happy and cultured."

What has happened to those words? Idealistic in nature it would seem this day, but I still see in India difference in classes, un-cooperative people, unhappy and bound society. Don't get me wrong (before a fellow Indian gets riled up and tells me to open my eyes), I love India. It is a land of many contrasts. I know all the wonderful positive changes happening within it. I miss it many a time. I'm simply questioning why our tolerance with each other seems low. And I'm wondering where all those great leaders went.

Don't forget to LIVE.

2006-01-24T22:14:00.001-05:00

Today I met death
and I said,
"Please, won't you let her be!"

And he said,
"Let her be what"?
"Alive", said I

He smiled, but shook his head
And asked,
"How do you know
she wasn't alive
till this moment?

Why do you feel the need
to stop me when I'm doing
what matters?

She was alive
She lived well
That's what you have to believe
And then let go"

I looked at him
a few minutes more
and said,
"I'm not ready
to accept this tale of life".

He spoke:
"That is not my concern
hopefully you will someday
until then,
Don't forget to LIVE".*

I came across two death related incidents today. No one I know really, but it affected me nevertheless.

1) My morning started out pretty good. I went to Tim Hortons for breakfast and enjoyed my morning, smiling at the other patrons and getting lost in the book I was reading. All this accompanied by a delicious cup of coffee made me happy. As I was walking back home, I went in through the mini-mall type area. Anyway, inside in front of one of the stores, they have a bunch of benches. In front of one of the benches were a group of policemen, a fireman, and two paramedics. I guess one of the elderly patrons who usually inhabit these benches, had collapsed. They tried to revive her - to no avail. I didn't stand around gawking like the other people, because I just didn't think it was nice. I left when they were giving her chest compressions and signalling to each other that she was well, a lost cause. (Sorry, I just couldn't think of anything else at the moment). I walked out, continuing on my way home, and I called my sister and said, "This life is short. Forget all the nonsense and just make sure you live your life the best way you know how. Really live Varsh". I got a surprised, "erm, didh**?" Then I told her what had happened and she understood where I was coming from. I kept thinking how stupid we can be at times, all the things we can get caught up in. And what matters in the end? To know that you really did the best you could and that you really lived.

What do I mean by really live? Well, act and behave in such a manner that you don't regret not trying. You might regret a mistake (if it hurts someone), but hopefully you'll develop the strength to apologize and move on. Life is short, especially when you want to do so much. Yes, sometimes I do fear death but then it seems on the other side, I fear living.

Anyway, here's the 2nd incident:

This same evening, I was about to walk into a store, when I noticed a sparrow - dead from the cold and don't know what else, lying on the sidewalk. I looked at it for a second and still walked into the store to buy what I had come for. But all the while I was thinking of the sparrow and if I should take it and bury it somewhere instead of leaving it on the sidewalk. I had never done anything like that before and how was I going to take him/her back in the car with my mom (who would freak out if she knew what I was bringing back with me was a dead sparrow). Anyway, I made my decision to stop letting fear guide me and I asked the cashier for an extra bag and went back out and gently picked up the sparrow and put him/her into the bag. I didn't tell my mom anything. After she dropped me at my apartment building, I went to the side of the building entrance and dug up some earth and burried him/her there. It was cold, snowing, my fingers were frozen (since it was hard to dig up the cold earth with one's hands and some odd branches) but at that moment nothing else mattered than giving this poor thing a proper burial. I said a two second prayer for him/her and left - fingers black, heart heavy but happy that I did this instead of just walking by and regretting it. I had a chance to really look at the sparrow and it was a beautiful little creature and I hated that it had died because of the cold.

Anyway, that's my piece. Go and Live.

As Eminem sang,

"Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?"

*I wrote the poem after the morning incident. I wrote it in 5 minutes.
** Didh is what my sister calls me. It's her version of Didi, which in Hindi means elder sister.

Fold your shirt in under 4 seconds.

2006-01-23T02:02:00.000-05:00

I came across this video - How to fold a shirt (in Japan). Saw it. Stared at it. Mind tried to comprehend. Tried it - a few times. Finally successful. Threw hands up in jubilation. Decided to blog. The end.

'Baghdad Burning'

2006-01-22T22:56:00.000-05:00

While idly perusing the pages of the January issue of Jane magazine, I came across a blurb mentioning a blog. Of course that caught my interest and it had information about where to find the inside scoop on what's actually going on in Baghdad. The blog is called Baghdad Burning and it is written by a twentysomething Iraqi woman. Do take a look, it's informative and eye-opening.

Do Animals Love Each Other?

2006-01-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

I came across this fascinating subject while browsing through the online pages of National Geographic. I'm sure animals love each other, may be not as we humans do. Maybe in ways that might seem cruel to us - for eg: I saw March of the Penguins the other day and both the male and female Emperor penguins endure a lot to give birth to a child. But eventually, they leave the kid to fend for his/herself and the child may never see the parents again. Animals also love in ways that would be far more sensible than the obsessive and compulsive love we tend to portray at times
.
My husband just came in and he's an animal lover so I put the question to him and he looked like I was stupid to even bother asking him. He said, "Of course. If you have two dogs and one dog dies, the surviving one will pine for the other dog and then die soon after." I said, "Thank you for that ray of sunshine." (I cannot handle story about death of dogs, before anyone wishes to share more).

Look through the site and decide for yourself. I say yes, most definitely.

It's been a year since my baby's been home!

2006-01-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

On January 16, 2005 a new member joined our family of two. She was 4 months old, black and tan, had the softest fur and the most melting brown eyes. She had ears that could be spotted a mile away, a nose that was just so woffly (yes, it is a word ok!) and paws that were just perfect and a tail that could knock you over when she wagged it happily. See for yourself ---------------->
That picture was taken the day we brought her home.

My husband had spent the past two weeks (before Jan.16.'05) trying to convince me of the reasons why we should get a German Shepherd puppy as opposed to a Golden Retriever (which I initially wanted). I was a little scared of having a dog as a pet. I wasn't confident around them even though I loved them. And I wondered if I'd actually be able to handle and control a German Shepherd. I wanted a Golden Retriever because they are always advertised as the family dog and have you seen the puppies? Anyway, all puppies are cute. Hubby eventually convinced me and we decided that weekend that we would just slowly start by visiting different pet stores. Our online search hadn't revealed any GSD puppies at that time. We went to a pet store that's about 20 mins from where we live. I walked in, and the first dog I saw was a GSD pup in the far end of the room. She was kept in a separate cage and when I walked to her cage she jumped up at me, tail wagging. As they say it was love at first sight and I refused to leave the store until we had her. I was still a little scared, but I wanted her. When the store clerk tried to hand me the puppy to carry, I said "no, it's ok" and hubby (the dog fanatic) happily carried her about. We stood and spoke in the store at length and finally I said, "I want her. But we'll pick her up tomorrow because I really need to go home and dog proof the apartment and we need to tell my parents". Decision made. Downpayment done. Saying bye to puppy heart-breaking. Got a chance to glimpse at her mom and became terrified (Jackie's mom - Brandy - is a very big GSD). Was sad that we couldn't take Jackie's brother (who was in a separate enclosure) home as well.

Anyway, we went to my parents place and I very nervously told them that we had bought a puppy. This after having received a lecture from parents the day before, about settling down properly, maintaining finances and not making rash decisions. You can imagine my nervousness. Got the sentences out somehow and dad was not pleased. My sister was thrilled to bits ( I had sms'd her the moment we had decided on Jackie and she had sms'd back squealing about how she couldn't wait to see her neice! lol), my mom - who has grown up with lots of dogs - took some sweet talking to get her on board. :) We immediately took Varsha & mom to go visit Jackie. Mom saw her and said I thought you said she was a puppy! Jackie was 4 months old at the time and she was bigger than what my mom had imagined.

Anyway, I went to the apartment and cleaned and put away what ever I thought would injure the pup. The next day, hubby and I went to the pet store in the evening (I had a seminar at work that morning) and he was working till the evening. My sister came with us. They had cleaned Jackie well, had her papers ready and then they let her out of the cage. She ran out immediately as though she had been set free (literally) and we all had a hard time catching her. Oh yes, she's quite the escape artist. Even today, if she's running around this apartment, I can't catch her easily. Anyhow, she ran towards one of the shelves and picked up a chew bone and hubby said "I guess we're getting that for her! (lol)" and then she kept running around the store. Eventually we managed to get her on to a leash and when she realized that she actually had to leave the store, she dug her heels in and wouldn't budge. Eventually hub, had to carry her out. Poor thing was shaking with fear. I was driving and ofcourse I could not concentrate on driving. On the ride back to the apartment, we tried coming up with different names for her. We thought of Jillybean and Jackie. Jackie was the one she responded to. Jackie was also chosen because hub's grandmother had had a dog named Jackie and my mom had had a dog named Jackie as well. Anyway, Jackie Kumar just seemed right. (lol)

We had with us a dog crate, a huge bag of dog food, assorted treats and toys and ofcourse Jackie. Hubby gave me the leash and told me to hold the dog while my sis and he carried the crate and other things. I was hesitant and the dog just would not budge. Eventually hubby carried her into the apartment and we let her loose and she ran around sniffing every nook and corner and we all just looked on utterly fascinated. I gave her my teddy bear because at the store she had had a ratty old bear with her. She loved the teddy and it was her favourite companion (other than moi ofcourse), but the bear has seen better days now and I've hidden him away.

We can't believe that it's only been a year since Jackie has entered our lives. We have no idea what we did before Jackie came home. Everything revolves around her, well maybe not everything...but scheduling anything is based on who will be around to feed her. We make sure she's not left alone for too long. I can't bear it if she hurts herself in any way. When aunties joke around and then ask my mom (in front of me) when she's going to be a grandmother I smile brightly and say "She already is. There's Jackie." That shuts them up for a while. :)

Jackie is my constant companion, my friend, my puppy, my baby, etc.etc.etc. Most of you know just how much I adore this creature. I run around with her, smother her with affection, irritate the heck out of her, pick her up (even now when she weighs 55lbs) and dance around with her, photograph her to no end, watch her in utter fascination and just hang out with her. (Yes, I do go out and see the real world as well). I still look at her and see her as a tiny thing but everyone else's reactions is hilarious. This is what she looks like today:

When people react to her with fear, I look at them like they're insane. How could anyone be afraid of her?? I have to admit (sheepishly) that I have actually yelled at a couple of kids who yelled at her and I got such a concerned look from my dad (who was with me at the time) that I shutup and made a mental note not to go mental. :) Anyway, I think I've written a lot and it's time to let you (readers) take a breather! :)

Happy One Year with us Jackie-kins! :)

In India, One Woman's Stand Says 'Enough'

2006-01-16T01:25:00.001-05:00

By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF

Published: January 15, 2006

The central moral challenge we will face in this century will be to address gender inequality in the developing world. Here in India, for example, among children ages 1 to 5, girls are 50 percent more likely to die than boys. That means that every four minutes, a little girl here is discriminated against to death.

One reason for such injustice is that many women docilely accept it - even enforce it. But that may be changing, as I found in a slum here in the central Indian city of Nagpur.

For more than 15 years, the mud alleys of the slum were ruled by a local thug named Akku Yadav. A higher-caste man, he killed, raped and robbed in this community of Dalits - those at the bottom of the caste ladder - and the police paid no attention. One woman, according to
people here, went to the police station to report that she had been gang-raped by Akku Yadav and his goons, and the police raped her.

Neighbors tell how Akku Yadav forced a man to dance naked in front of his teenage daughter. They say that he chopped one woman into pieces in front of her daughter, and that another woman burned herself to death after he and his men gang-raped her.

There was only one family that Akku Yadav's gang didn't torment - that of Madhukar and Alka Narayane - because from this squalor they sent all five of their children through college. In a neighborhood where many are illiterate and no one had ever gone to college, that was a heroic achievement, and it made gangsters wary about preying on them.

A daughter, Usha Narayane, now 27, studied hotel management and seemed destined to become a hotel manager. But one day in 2004 while she was on vacation back in the slum, Akku Yadav attacked the next-door neighbors. The gang warned Usha not to go to the police - and that's when she went to the police.

Akku Yadav returned with 40 men and surrounded the Narayane shack. He waved a bottle of acid and threatened to disfigure Usha's face, and to rape and kill her. She barricaded the door, shouted insults at him and telephoned the police, who didn't immediately come.

Finally, Usha turned on the gas, grabbed a match and threatened to blow up everyone if the gang broke into the house. The gangsters backed off. The neighbors, seeing somebody finally stand up to Akku Yadav, gathered in the street. Soon a mob burned down Akku Yadav's house, and he turned himself over to the police for protection.

A bail hearing for him was set for Aug. 13, 2004, and word spread through the slum that he would be released. Hundreds of women marched from the slum to the courthouse. When Akku Yadav showed up, he spotted a woman he had raped and shouted that he would rape her again. She began beating him with her slipper.

Other women pulled out chili powder from their clothes and threw it in the faces of Akku Yadav and the police. As the police fled, scores of women pulled out knives and apparently took turns stabbing Akku Yadav and cutting off his penis. He ended up as mincemeat, and the courtroom walls are still spattered with blood.

The police arrested a handful of women, including Usha, for the murder, but she conveniently could prove that she was not at the courtroom that day. And then the hundreds of women in the slum jointly declared that they had all joined in the killing, on the theory that if they all claimed responsibility, no single person could be punished.

"We all did it," affirms Rajashri Rangdale, a young mother. "We all take responsibility for what happened."

"I'm proud of what we did," agrees Jija More, a housewife. "We were all involved."

As for Usha, she is out on bail, but the police harass her and her career as a hotel manager seems over. She is sure that other members of Akku Yadav's gang will try to seek revenge by raping and killing her. But, undaunted, she is beginning a new life as a social activist, and she is now helping the slum dwellers make foods and clothing that they can sell together to raise their incomes.

I don't want to condone a lynching. But in a land where police are utterly corrupt, and where so much misery arises from people passively accepting their lot, I'm proud to know Usha Narayane. She is a reminder of the difference that education makes, and I hope that she is a vision of the new Indian woman.

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Now that you've had a chance to digest the news item, what do you think?

My thoughts:

1. I can't believe this actually happens. I'd heard of stories, but to be documented as such. God, I've led a sheltered life.

2. How can people even think of behaving in such a manner?

3. ... too upset to coherently pen any other thoughts.

Just wondering...

2006-01-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

Can you guys hear the music playing when you get onto my blog page?

'Vampire seeks governor's job'

2006-01-16T00:57:00.000-05:00

I came across this odd story just a few minutes ago. My reaction was as follows:
"Ermmm, huh??
Only in America!
Please, don't elect him.
I guess we need Buffy!"

Letting Go

2006-01-15T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking of writing on this subject for a while now, but I've never managed to find the exact words. This lazycrazy day as I was lounging on my futon, dog on my feet (keeping those toes warm), watching Gilmore Girls, I saw the episode where Rory's ex-boyfriend Dean gets married. The end of that episode cuts to Rory standing outside the church (behind a tree) watching Dean and his wife pose for photographs. The expression on her face spoke a thousand words - heartache, regret, questions, ... time to let go.

This got me thinking (of course) about the number of people we meet and the number of people we let go. Some by choice, some forced and others simply as a matter of mutual understanding, distance and time. I've had to let go of a really good friend over the past year and a bit and it's taken me that long to stop from automatically thinking of her or of wanting to pick up the phone and share something with her. It's sad really because we were very close - best friends. We both came to Canada in the same year, met at high school, and from then on became thick as thieves. 9 years of a friendship came to a painful end for a variety of reasons. I'm not getting into the reasons because they are pointless at this moment, but what I had initially thought as something that could be resolved over time has instead resulted in me having had to let go - not voluntarily, not by choice, but by lack of choice. *side note: It's ironic, as I sit writing this I realize I have this song playing in the background called 'teri yaad yaad' which literally means 'your thoughts/memories'. The person's singing about being tormented by thoughts of someone. (lol) *end of side note*

Anyway, this whole experience at first caused me a lot of anger and pain. But I'm trying to learn from it and not stray towards the path of 'build walls, trust no one, it's you against the world' type of belief. :) I did shut myself out, and in someways have still shut myself out, but no I cannot attribute this entirely to my "friend". But what I have learnt is to still be able to look fondly at some of the crazy times we've shared, smile remembering our conversations and obsessions and so on. But the topic is letting go. I hated letting go of people I know. People whom I've made connections with. For whom I feel something. With whom I share life. But the word there is hated letting go. Because eventually I have realized that things I seem to be certain of are always the ones that are turned topsy turvy in my world and I'm always made to either reinforce my belief or see a completely different side to it. While I used to fight hard and sometimes be in denial about the end of something or someone, I now realize this is part of life. If you don't like it, you don't like it - but that's how life will go on. Sometimes you have to let go for your own peace of mind and then step back and still be able to look fondly at what used to be. Sometimes you let go of the physical presence but you carry people with you in your heart and in your memories. Sometimes you let go because it is a natural process of having drifted apart and perhaps if you meet them later in life, you can pick up from where you left off. Letting go of someone is not easy when you've invested a lot of time, emotions, thoughts, and experiences but I've read that people come into your life for a reason. Some leave after that purpose has been served. It's best to accept it when you can.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some moves our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts

and we are never, ever the same."

-Anonymous

I'm going to end this post with a website that I came across while blog hopping. It might seem a bit macabre to some, but I think it's helpful. If there's something that you have unsaid to someone who has passed on, you can express yourself at this site. It might help ease a burden.

When Varsha smiles...

2006-01-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

When Varsha smiles

A real smile

Full of joy

Full of teeth (don't ask about this line)

It gives me hope

It makes me light

The world as it spins

Is exactly right

When Varsha smiles

You see the kid

You see the girl

Who makes me grin.

The End (Thank God!)

*note*: I wrote this on a spur (I swear I won't go with those sort of feelings again) because it's been a while since I've seen my sister smile like that. A full smile. I've been after her saying she looks half-scared to death in most of her pictures giving me these fake-I'm-scared-to-open-my-mouth-grins. When I took this picture y'day, I loved the smile I saw and hence the above erm poem. (sorry to actual poets out there, but I claim a lot of poetic license with this one).*end of note*

FeedBlitz, sentence from nearest book & being tagged.

2006-01-14T03:05:00.000-05:00

What can I say... it's 2:25a.m. and I couldn't get more creative with my blog title. :)

Anyway, I discovered this convenient tool (well, I didn't really discover it. It existed well before I stumbled upon it, but that's like arguing over semantics) called FeedBlitz that let's you subscribe to have updates of new posts from my blog. Rather than just having to browse through and check for any updates, this tool emails the updates (new posts, etc.) right into your Inbox. So, if you think it's something you'd like, subscribe to it. It's on my sidebar.
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While doing my regular rounds of blogstrolling, I noticed Dimitri's new post which I found interesting. It is as follows:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here's mine:
1. Nearest book grabbed - Desirable Daughters by Bharati Mukherjee
2. Page opened
3. Fifth sentence calculated with some effort (because of the lateness of the night).
4. Posting the 5th sentence: "She couldn't get out of India fast enough, poor thing."
5. This is the book I'm currently reading, so I didn't have to run anywhere to find it. It was sitting beside me on the table.

I find the line that this little exercise lead to very interesting. I know what context it was said in and it doesn't apply to me literally because I never really lived in India until I got married. But, it brings to mind all these stories I've heard about freedom and feeling caged and wanting to get out and those feelings I can relate to. So...
************************************************************************************

Now onto being tagged. I visit Gary's site regularily and the other day I was pleasantly surprised to discover I was one of the people he had chosen to tag. So in keeping with the spirit of tagging, here's my little bit.

Seven things to do before I die:
7. Work with a chimpanzee (volunteer at Jane Goodall's)
6. Learn to ride a motorcycle
5. Drive a Mustang GT convertible for one day at least
4. Go White water rafting
3. Begin painting again
2. Become a successful runner
1. Not let my fears control me

Seven things I cannot do:
7. Lie well
6. Be intentionally hurtful and not realize it
5. Stay quiet when something wrong is happening - be it to a man or beast
4. Not gush over a baby or puppy
3. Control my emotions
2. Get answers to all my whys'
1. Stop giggling

Seven things that attract me to blogging:
7. Discovering who I am
6. Making new friends
5. Gaining new perspectives
4. An outlet
3. Learning new things (HTML, etc.)
2. Gushing about my puppy as much as I want
1. The opportunity to write - significant to the insignificant

Seven things I say most often:
7. Whatever
6. Oh okay
5. Are you sure?
4. I don't give a damn!
3. Damn
2. Puppyyyyy, I love you.
1. Oh my God!

Seven books that I love, in no particular order
(aahhh, only 7 to list!)
7. Love Story
6. Emma
5. Little Women
4. Anne of Green Gables series
3. If Tomorrow Comes
2. Doctors
1. The Prodigal Daughter

Seven movies I watch again and again
7. Runaway Bride
6. Terminator 2
5. After the Promise
4. Anjali
3. Kakka Kakka
2. Dumbo
1. Die Hard

Ok I guess now it's my turn to tag someone... So 'Anya you're it!

A disagreement leads to a gobsmacking moment.

2006-01-13T02:02:00.001-05:00

I logged onto Msn Messenger earlier today and a friend of mine, whom I hadn't chatted with in a bit, was online. He messaged me excitedly going "Veeeenss, where ya been?" Anyway, I had previously been a little miffed with him because the last time he left me a message on Msn it had been one that completely spoilt this particular image.

While others had gushed at how cute the two husky pups were, he left a message telling me to get rid of the image and relating it to some porn comment. Now, please before anyone tells me to relax and so on, I know it was all said in a joking manner etc. That's not the point. Today when we were chatting, I was teasing him saying that I probably shouldn't be talking with him. He asked why and I told him about his comment and one thing led to another and he said he can't believe how sensitive I get about things that don't matter. And I shot back saying that just because they didn't matter to him, that didn't mean that they didn't matter to anyone else. (No, this didn't get to be an out of hand fight). Anyway, he then said that I was coming across as a person who cared more about animals than people. And for a second it made me pause and think. And then ofcourse I said, I guess I am. I'm not fighting it. And I realized that somehow I've become very passionate about animals. Me - the person who used to scream and run for dear life at the sight of a snake has had a python put around her neck, has stared at king cobras and boa constrictors in fascination at the Singapore Zoo. (Ok, I do feel shaky just thinking about the snakes). I, who literally ran screaming from a toy pomeranian, now own and smother with affection, a German Shepherd Dog. I, who called upon all and sundry to kill a spider, now follow a spider around and wonder how it can get by on those tiny thin legs and make sure I put it outside instead of having it hit with a paper, etc. You get the idea I'm sure. It's fascinating how a person can change. And just realizing this left me gobsmacked.

Now as for caring for animals more than people - there is truth to that statement. Especially when it is humans who are causing innocent animals a lot of harm. Then you're right, I don't give a damn about the people. For example take a look at this story about the treatment of Moon Bears in China. Or my previous post about treatment of dogs and cats in China. When I come across such stories, I cry. And I'm not embarassed by this reaction, nor do I make any apologies for it. I hate humans in that emotional moment and care more for the animals. I'm trying to do whatever small bit I can in making their world better, but I also know I'm not neglecting my loved ones. So I guess I'm balancing it out in my own way.

Anyway, thanks S for making me think about this. :) We should argue more often (not that we don't already). I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I react first and think later most often. It's not always good, but sometimes it works well.

Words I wish I could say, but would I really mean it?

2006-01-13T01:13:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, one of my favourite TV shows - Gilmore Girls - began it's 6th Season after a winter break. Anyway, one of it's formidable characters (I would not want to meet her in a dark alley, but I'd love her on my side in one), Paris Gellar, had these words to say as she welcomed staff into the Yale Daily News:

"Please remember that I'm your editor. I'm not your mother or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or a way to deal. My door is not open to you - ever." - Paris from Gilmore Girls (Season 6, ep.11)

I laughed out loud. It is such a Paris thing to say. I'm amazed at the stuff she says and gets away with. But then no one would really argue back with her. I don't think I want to be her exactly, but once in a while don't you feel like just shutting people up and saying "Enough! I have my own shit going on!" Erm, ok. That's it. I think my repressed personality is trying to get free.

Disclaimer: please note that this post was written after the author downed a shot of tequila and drank half a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.

Renascent

2006-01-12T19:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a few days since I last blogged. I think updating the template just took a lot of effort. Actually, the reason is that we've been having such lovely weather here (it was supposedly 10C in downtown Toronto today) that I've been spending as much time as possible outside - sitting by the park/pond, extended dog walks, more frequent walks to Tim Hortons, and so on. :) Now that I'm logged on I've found a few interesting things to blog about.

Dictionary.com's word of the day is renascent. Pronounced rih-NAS-uhnt\; Meaning :springing or rising again into being; showing renewed vigor. This word stuck with me today because it's what I've been feeling offlate - renewed vigor. I walked in today(after a walk), listening to my ipod, carried my dog and danced with her while listening to Return of the Mac. I used to do this with Jackie when we first brought her home. And yes, I do carry a 55lb dog. I don't know how, I manage. And yes, she is forced to put up with it. :)

Read this article about the absurd behaviour of a Sprint employee. I'm sure the person is wishing he acted differently or perhaps even intelligently and could hide himself under some rock. But this just goes to show how silly some of us humans can be.

Came across this funny blogsite about two chinese boys. Found a hilarious impersonation of the Backstreet Boys in there to the song 'I want it that way'. Now, this song used to be an obsession of mine for a long long time. These two boys have managed to ruin it for me in a hilarious way. Laugh and enjoy.

I read a quote from Kumari's blog that made me laugh out loud (literally). She had taken it from The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants series and here's the quote: "Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes". Just the thought of such a scene made me laugh.

A new look

2006-01-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

A new look for me as well as my blog. A week back, my sister and I visited a hair salon and I got my hair chopped and she got her's coloured. The new cut makes me feel vibrant even. (lol) Anyway, I've also been toying with the idea of changing the look of the blog (blogging is making me learn a host of new different things) and I've been exploring different free templates out there and learning about how to change them and what coding to put in and change around, etc. Finally, here's the finished product. I'd love to read your reactions to this.

Thanks!

P.S: My sister is the one in pink. :)

Princess Aiko, feminism and the state of women

2006-01-05T01:22:00.001-05:00

I came across this interesting article about Princess Aiko . Actually it's not really about her but what her coming to throne would mean for the state of women in Japan and the Japanese economy. While I'm all for the throne being headed by a woman, I can't really say much about the reactions of the majority of Japanese people (having never been to Japan).

Anyhow, this started my train of thought and I realized that as a woman in today's world, I have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful to the women who came before me and fought to be seen and heard. Thankful to the women who put us on equal footing with men. But the moment I've written these words, I'm filled with some anger. Why did women even have to fight hard to be considered equal? Why were they even considered second-class citizens in the first place? Because men deemed it so? Am I wrong?

Yes, I am a feminist. I'm not an insane person though, so I'm not going to fight with men (or anyone else) over stupid things. I simply care about equality and for me that means that I'm granted equal opportunity and the right to expect and achieve what I want, irrespective of my gender. Thankfully, I've not been made to feel (too often in my life) that I cannot or should not do something simply because I'm a girl. I haven't really listened too much to people who have tried to impose restrictions on my person because of my dominating X chromosome, however I find it troubling that not every one is awarded this luxury. The fact that I have to term this as a luxury is a cause for concern in itself. I know about the treatment of women in India even now, the stories I have heard out of Pakistan, the stories in Africa, El Salvador, The Montreal Massacre and so on. Women beaten, raped, mutilated, torched, gunned down - sometimes just for being a woman. How did all this even begin?

Anyway, I'm probably never going to get a satisfying answer because there can be no reason just enough to say "oh ok, it all makes sense now". What's the point of all this? I don't know. I care. I need to do something, and I will. I'm just voicing my feelings and trying to figure out exactly what that something is. I guess I'm going to have a troubled sleep tonight especially since I just came across an interesting coverage of the Montreal Massacre.

A Votre Sante.

Husband for Sale

2006-01-05T00:51:00.000-05:00

(lol) Look at what my brat of a sister gifted me. It's hilarious. Might come in handy later... *grin*

Enter the 'Dog House'

2006-01-04T01:57:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't a post about a man being in a dog house (as the saying goes). I was browsing the ASPCA site and came across something interesting and useful. Since owing a dog, I've become involved (to the point of obsession, yes I know) with how animals are treated and various other topics concerning animals. I've also been talking to friends about what life is like with a pet around and it has generated some interesting discussions. I know for a fact that my life (& I for that matter) have not been the same since the moment I walked into the pet store and saw Jackie. It's gobsmacking (hehehe, gotta use this word whenever I can!) how perspectives change, priorities shift and you as a person become comfortable with reading your dog's mind. :) Anyway, I find Jackie absolutely fascinating because she is my first pet and I still can't believe at times that after wanting a dog since childhood, after being scared silly of a pomeranian, I now own and roughhouse with a German Shepherd.

Going back to the ASPCA site, they have a feature called Dog House, whereby a person thinking of owning a dog can virtually see the effects of owning a pet and also determine the needs of a dog, etc. It also provides you with encouragement when you choose to do something right and nudges you in the right direction when you do something wrong. A good learning tool for those who aren't sure if owing a pet is right for them. I see it as one step in responsible ownership of a pet and helping you make that decision.

Jackie says "Woof"!

How now...

2006-01-03T18:44:00.000-05:00

...brown cow? (pic of The Far Side cow).

Erm, is there a response to that question? A few years ago, someone mentioned it to me and I thought it was really cool. But I can't for the life of me remember if there is a response to that question. As in... 'See you later alligator, in a while crocodile'. So I thought I'd put this out into the blogging world and see if someone can help me out. It's just a random thought, nothing major. Thanks! :)

2006 - The year of the DOG

2006-01-02T02:24:00.000-05:00

How could I forget to post about something I was excited about? The moment I heard it was the year of the dog, I was thrilled because ofcourse I only think of Jackie and hence I decided it was her year. (lol) Yes, I'm a little mad in her department.

Anyway, hope she doesn't have me completely wrapped around her little paw! :) Here's info on the traits of a dog person. http://www.holymtn.com/astrology/dog.htm That's it. I can go to sleep.

A point to ponder

2006-01-02T01:58:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes it is just better to let the broken little pieces of our lives scatter into the wind, rather than hopelessly try to gather and mend something that will always be cracked." - Nova Alindogan